Bad Vernacular

COME JOIN US

2006-03-07T21:27:00.000-05:00

Stockton & Tweed have moved. Feel free to come and join us at our new home......

Smorgasblog! *

* A subsidiary of Con-Huge-Co.

INDICTED

2005-11-07T17:52:00.000-05:00

Due to indictments, Stockton & Tweed are on temporary hiatus. If we can locate our passports we might not be back.

Despite everything you might hear, we are almost completely innocent.

TRAITOR RUNS FOR SENATE

2005-10-24T20:37:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Ohio War Veteran Running for Senate

By DAN SEWELL, Associated Press Writer Mon Oct 24, 2:54 PM ET

CINCINNATI - Paul Hackett, the Democratic veteran of the Iraq war who narrowly lost a special election in a heavily Republican congressional district in August, made his official entry into a U.S. Senate race Monday.

The conservative base of the Republican Party is outraged that Hackett is running for office. Some have even called for the imposition of treason charges against the former military man.

"It's a said day in America when a man like this can run for public office," said one anonymous Republican. "Where was this man Hackett when his country needed him?"

Others agree. Stewart Pinckney, a Republican activist had harsh words for Hackett. "Here's an alleged American who wants to be a senator. Yet, where was he when Cindy Sheehan beseiged the President in Crawford, Texas? Where was he when Democrats gave aid and comfort to the terrorists during the Republican Convention? Where was he when Massachusetts decided to make man-on-dog sex legal? He was in Iraq, with his tail between his legs, not on the front lines with us!"

EXCUSE ME, WHERE DO I VOTE

2005-10-14T20:40:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

RAMADI, Iraq (Reuters) - Hours before a crucial referendum on a new constitution, voters in western Iraq, where many are expected to say "No," were asking themselves a troubling question: where are the polling stations?

"There are no voting centers in cities like Haditha, Hit, Rawa, Qaim, Ana, Baghdadi and the villages around them," Mahmoud Salman al-Ani, a human rights activist in Ramadi, said on Friday, listing locations across western Anbar province.

"There aren't actually any voting centers or even voting sheets in these cities ... Nobody knows how and where to vote if they decide to," he said of the predominantly Sunni Arab region.

"I know it's a bit unsettled here," said one would-be voter. "But for Allah's sake, it's not Florida!"

WOMEN MAKE GAINS IN IRAQ

2005-10-07T21:01:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Just two and a half years after invading Iraq, Bush's promise to bring western-style democracy to the Middle East is showing signs of success. In a region of the world where women are often times less valuable than sundry goods and chattel, Iraq is becoming a beacon of male-female equality.

By LEE KEATH, Associated Press Writer Wed Sep 28, 2005

BAGHDAD, Iraq - A woman disguised in a man's robes and headdress slipped into a line of army recruits Wednesday and detonated explosives strapped to her body, killing at least six recruits and wounding 35 — the first known suicide attack by a woman in Iraq's insurgency.

The attack in Tal Afar near the Syrian border appeared aimed at showing that militants could still strike in a town where U.S. and Iraqi offensives drove out insurgents only two weeks ago. A female suicide bomber may have been chosen because she could get through checkpoints at which women are rarely searched— then don her disguise to join the line of men, Iraqi officials said.

Bush insists that the traditional glass ceiling in the terrorist world has finally been broken. "This goes to show you that Iraqi women are entering fields traditionally open only to males. It's just one sign of success and they have us to thank. We are firmly resolved to be resolute!"

Other signs of Iraq's embrace of western-style democracy: progressives have besuccessfulful in reforming many aspects of the penal law, blunting some of the harsher aspects of Middle-Eastern punishment. For instance, a woman adulteress will now only be hacked into seven pieces rather than the traditional eleven.

RECREATING A RECREATION

2005-10-04T21:15:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

By DOUG MELLGREN, Associated Press Writer

OSLO, Norway - An effort to recreate the late Thor Heyerdahl's famed 101-day Pacific crossing aboard the Kon-Tiki balsa raft resumed Tuesday after a postponement forced by last year's southern Asia tsunami.

The team, which includes the Norwegian adventurer's grandson, Olav Heyerdahl, plans to sail from Peru in late April, a year later than originally scheduled.

"It is very good. It is fun. And now the financing is in place," the 28-year-old Heyerdahl said of the $900,000 project.

In 1947, Thor Heyerdahl's team sailed a raft 4,900 miles from Peru to Polynesia to show that prehistoric explorers could have migrated across vast oceans. Heyerdahl, who died in 2002 at age 87, documented the harrowing voyage in a best-selling book and Oscar-winning documentary, both called "Kon-Tiki."

The team expects to prove that it was possible for Thor Heyerdahl to prove that it was possible for prehistoric explorers to migrate across vast oceans. A documentary, "Kon-Tiki II - The Revenge" is expected out late next year.

COLD WAR UDATE

2005-09-30T07:50:00.000-04:00

By Tweed:

The long simmering cold war between God and scientific reasoning is beginning to heat up in americas museums.

NY Times (Sept. 20, 2005) (Ithaca, N.Y.):

Lenore Durkee, a retired biology professor, was volunteering as a docent at
the Museum of the Earth here here when she was confronted by a group of seven or
eight people, creationists eager to challenge the museum exhibitions on
evolution. They peppered Dr. Durkee with questions about everything from
techniques for dating fossils to the second law of thermodynamics, their queries
coming so thick and fast that she found it hard to reply. . . .

That encounter and others like it provided the impetus for a training
session here in August. . . . Similar efforts are under way or planned around
the country as science museums and other institutions struggle to contend with
challenges to the theory of evolution that they say are growing common and
aggressive.

Dr. McCarty of "New Testiment Tours of the Wasteland," one of God's senior commanders of special operations, is seeking volunteers to help enforce the word of God in America's museums. Volunteers take crash courses to help them navigate the strange and unknown worlds of "science" and "New England." Recently, New Testiment Tours of the Wasteland ("NTTW") has benefited from a religious draft, sponsored by a group of Baptist churches in Mississippi and Alabama. Inductees are trained and assigned specific missions.

McCarty recognizes the difficulty of his assignment: "We know they're pretty thick upta' New York City and such. And, my god, can you think of a worse place - pretty, mind you, cause it is all God's country. But Charlie's dug in deep up there." "Charlie" is the word used by many religious fighters to refer to scientists, taken from the name "Charles Darwin."

But "Charlie" is not going down without a fight, McCarty notes. "Charlie's pretty tough - you can take away his president, you can call him a liberal, complain about his taxes, gerrymander congressional districts, make em' feel guilty for not believing, but Charlie still fights, I'll give em' that."

Members of NTTW entering a museum in Seattle

McCarty and others do not dwell on defeats, and there have be some. A recon group of five out of Arkansas never returned from a routine sweep of the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History, thought by many to be within the protection of the army of god. Four members were eventually located - one in New York, reading poetry on a Soho street corner, another on an archeological dig in suburban London, a third in a methodone clinic in Chicago and the fourth playing bass in a "third-stream" group in Boston.

Incidents such as these have some members of NTTW wondering about their mission. One young recruit, after expressing his intention to fight for god and to destroy those who would question His word, also divulged his concerns about the missions. "We're supposed to be spreading the word of God - you know, love thy neighbor, we're all God's children - but our missions seem to be alienating the populace. Sometimes, I don't know if its Charlie over there or just some kid on a school trip to the museum. . . . And sometimes I think we hit the wrong targets."

Other veterans of the battle speak of attocities committed by some members of NTTW, such as when a member participating in a magic trick performed by a street magician demanded that the spectators acknowledge that it was God's will that turned the six of diamonds he had put in his pocket into the queen of spades. Others refer to the infamous "precinct 34" incident, which occured a few months ago in New York City. Though reports are sketchy, it appears that members of NTTW forced their way into a New York precinct house and demanded the release of all those arrested, citing scripture about forgiveness. Unfortunately, in the confusion, a rapists and street mime escaped.

Some say that incidents such as these demonstrate the inherent contradictions of this new initiative. These critics note that it may be all well and good to attribute to God the world, but that the lack of recognition of human achievement and practical needs leaves an incomplete and skewed vision of the world.

God Defending Operation "Museum Shop" on CNN's Larry King

But defense of these actions has come from the Almighty Himself. "I'm not saying this will be an easy engagement or that it won't take a long time," God intoned, "people must be patient - this will be a long hard slog."

MEDIA RECEIVES MEMO

2005-09-28T21:56:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

According to sources close to Bad Vernacular, a memo has been distributed to a number of news outlets advising them of important changes in media categories.

To: Media Personnel
From: Media Management
RE: Revised Categorization of National Mood

With the President's popularity at an all-time low and support for the Iraq War at an all-time low, new guidelines re: categorizing the mood of the nation will be implemented.

- The 58% of people disapproving of the president's performance will be known as "those slightly skeptical of the President's performance."

- The 55% who now disapprove of the Iraq War will no longer be "fringe anti-war activists" but now called a "substantial minority."

- The 57% who are dissatisfied with the direction of the country will now be called "a growing, but vocal, minority."

-President Bush will no longer be called "the popular Republican President." He will be called, "the President more popular than Benjamin Franklin Pierce."

Please see that these changes are implemented immediately.

SOMEONE'S GOT TO PAY FOR IT

2005-09-25T12:44:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

According to the Navy Times:

A group of House Republicans have proposed a plan to offset the costs of relief and rebuilding after Hurricane Katrina that includes trimming military quality-of-life programs, including health care.

Possible sources of funding cuts to free up money for Katrina relief include reduced health benefits, consolidation of the three military exchange systems and the closure of the military's stateside school system.

The House Republican Study Committee, headed by Rep. Mike Pence, R-Ind., is not singling out the military as it tries to raise the estimated $200 billion that the federal government will need for various Katrina-related spending.

Their proposal includes freezing congressional pay, charging federal workers for parking and cutting back on legislative earmarking items added to agency budgets by lawmakers as ways of raising money.

They call their effort Operation Offset, and hope to get spending cuts considered before Congress approves any more money devoted to Katrina relief and recovery operations.
Their offset list includes three provisions aimed at military quality-of-life programs:

Service members would be offered cash if they are willing to accept reduced health care benefits for their families. The less comprehensive plan would encourage individuals to be more cost-conscious when purchasing health care products by including deductibles, co-payments and a maximum annual out-of-pocket expenditure limit, according to a written explanation provided by the study group. Reduced health care benefits could save $2.4 billion over 10 years.
The three separate military exchange systems could be consolidated, saving up to $1.9 billion over 10 years, the study group says. The Army and Air Force share an exchange system, AAFES, while the Navy and Marine Corps have their own systems. Consolidating would eliminate inefficiencies from duplicative purchasing, different personnel departments, warehouse and inventory systems and management headquarters while retaining the current ability for service embers and their families to receive a wide selection of goods at a low price, the statement says.

According to House Republicans, this action will coincide with a refusal to rollback tax breaks for the wealthiest 1% of Americans.

"To deny succesful citizens their fair share would make a mockery of everything our men and women in Iraq are fighting for," said one Congressional spokesperson. "Basically, our men and women in uniform are used to sacrifice so what's one more?"

In related news, the President announced that each rifleman in Iraq may be limited to two rounds of ammunition as a way to extend tax relief to the wealthiest 2% of Americans.

ANOTHER BUSH ON ROAD TO PRESIDENCY

2005-09-19T07:38:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

In the finest tradition of the Family Values Party, the nephew of President Bush has started his long journey to the White House.

AUSTIN, Texas -
The youngest son of Florida Gov. Jeb Bush was arrested early Friday and charged with public intoxication and resisting arrest, law enforcement officials said.

John Ellis Bush, 21, was arrested by agents of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission at 2:30 a.m. on a corner of Austin's Sixth Street bar district, said commission spokesman Roger Wade.

The nephew of President Bush was released on $2,500 bond for the resisting arrest charge, and on a personal recognizance bond for the public intoxication charge, officials said.
Wade said he had no further details about the charges.

John Ellis Bush was philosophical about the arrest and charges. "Hey, I only have another twenty years for youthful indiscretion. I may as well get the most out of it." John went on to say, "My parents? They're disappointed, sure. They told me if I keep it up I might wind up president."

In unrelated news, the Kennedy Clan contemplates a copyright infringement action against the Bush family. "They're taking our best stuff," said a Kennedy family spokesperson.

WE SAID EXORCISE, NOT EXERCISE

2005-09-15T06:38:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

VATICAN CITY (Reuters) - Orthodontists have national conventions, as do lawyers and computer salespeople. So why not exorcists? At the end of his weekly general audience Wednesday

Pope Benedict' name greeted Italian exorcists who, he disclosed, are currently holding their national convention.

The Pope encouraged them to "carry on their important work in the service of the Church."
Problem was that until the Pope spoke few people outside the inner circle knew that a convention of Beelzebub-busters was going on, presumably in Rome.

And where were they holding it? In a church, a hotel, a graveyard?
"They try to keep these things quiet," said a Catholic professor who has dealings with exorcists.

"We always have a hell of a time," said Father Anthony Matiniano. "There's the lectures of course, but that's just half of it. We throw holy water balloons, pretend to spin our heads all the way around...things like that. Last year, Father Thomasino turned the thermostat down to 35 so it got real cold and you could see your breath. Then he pretended to throw up. It was hilarious."

Special guest speakers included:

Regan McNiell
and

Father Guido Sarducci
The convention was not without controversy. Outside, an advocacy group for homeless demons protested the gathering.

ROBERTS VOWS TO BE ONE HUMBLE BUMBLE

2005-09-13T06:23:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Roberts Vows to Be a Humble Chief Justice

By DAVID ESPO, AP Special Correspondent

WASHINGTON - Supreme Court nominee John Roberts pledged Monday to judge with humility and "without fear or favor" if approved as the nation's 17th chief justice and youngest in 200 years. "I have no agenda," he told the Senate Judiciary Committee at the opening of confirmation hearings.

"I have no platform. Judges are not politicians who can promise to do certain things in exchange for votes," said the 50-year-old appeals court judge and former Reagan administration lawyer, picked by President Bush to succeed the late Chief Justice William Rehnquist.

He added, "Judges are like umpires. Umpires don't make the rules; they apply them."

Roberts was quick to add that as a judge he would not wear a mask or any protective padding under his clothes. "Also, I've been informed that cleats are not allowed in the courtroom."

Roberts stated that his vow of humility is genuine. If he becomes Chief Justice, Roberts says that he'll, "wash the feet of each justice prior to oral argument and anoint their feet with oils. Except for Thomas. He doesn't like to be touched."

In related news, Pennsylvania Senator Arlene Specter has decided not to question Roberts on Roe v. Wade. Instead, Specter will concentrate his questioning of Roberts in the area of hair care, toupees and whether or not the Senator should fake orgasms.

Roberts to be "One Humble Bumble!"

ROVE INVOLVED IN SECOND INTELLIGENCE LEAK

2005-09-10T21:16:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Lawyer Is Fired After Talking About Rove

AUSTIN, Texas - A lawyer with the Texas secretary of state was fired after she spoke to a reporter about presidential adviser Karl Rove's eligibility to vote in the state.

Elizabeth Reyes, 30, said she was dismissed last week for violating the agency's media policy after she was quoted in a Sept. 3 story by The Washington Post about tax deductions on Rove's homes in Washington and Texas.

Scott Haywood, a spokesman for Texas Secretary of State Roger Williams, confirmed Reyes' firing but wouldn't discuss specifics. He had earlier told the Post that Reyes "was not authorized to speak on behalf of the agency."

The Post earlier reported that Rove inadvertently received a homestead tax deduction on his home in Washington, even though he had not been eligible for the benefit for more than three years. Rove was eligible for the deduction when he bought the home in 2001, but a change in the tax law in 2002 made the deduction available only to property owners who do not vote elsewhere. Rove is registered to vote in Texas.

The tax office admitted the mistake, saying it failed to rescind the deduction, and Rove agreed to reimburse the city an estimated $3,400 in back taxes, the Post reported.

Rove is registered to vote in Kerr County, Texas, where he and his wife own two rental homes that he claims as his residence. But two local residents told the Post they had never seen Rove there.

Press Secretary Scott McClellan was incensed about the revelations and congratulated the Texas Secretary of State for firing Ms. Reyes. "When sensitive information such as tax deductions are made public it endangers not only the individuals involved but national security as well. Mr. Rove is a vital soldier in the war against terrorism and Ms. Reyes' actions could be characterized a treasonous."

The White House has indicated it may suspend investigations into the Valerie Plame incident to concentrate on the outrageous behavior of Ms. Reyes.

REHNQUIST FILES WRIT

2005-09-07T21:24:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Within hours after his death, Chief Justice William Rehnquist ordered his attorney to file a writ of certiorari seeking leave to appeal his death. Along with the writ, an order to show cause was filed seeking a stay of his expiration pending the outcome of the appeal.

According to his clerk, the Chief Justice intends on performing all of his Supreme Court duties until all appeals are exhausted. In the meantime, the Chief Justice will draft all of his opinions with the aid of television psychic John Edwards.

Rehnquist opinions will now befiltered through famed psychic
In related news, President Bush's hope of building a Supreme Court "in his image" was dashed just the other day with the death of Bob Denver. Denver had been the President's leading contender to fill Justice O'Connor's seat on the court.

Bush's choice to replace O'Connornow dead
"The President is disappointed in Mr. Denver's death," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "The two had a strong intellectual bond. The President always believed that having his little buddy on the court would be like the President himself sitting on the court."

HOW TO GET 450+ HITS A DAY ON YOUR POLITICAL BLOG

2005-09-04T11:04:00.000-04:00

By Stockton & Tweed

How many of you scratch your head in wonder, trying to figure out why you only get 30, 40, 50 hits a day on your political blog?

Don't people realize that your insight and analysis on the political world are pearls beyond wisdom? Don't they see your brilliance? They should be waiting in line to read your prose.

So, how can you up your hits to 100, 200, 300 and yes, 400+ hits a day without changing your diet or exercising.

The answer is relatively simple. It's probably been staring you in the face the entire time you've been blogging.

In the Spring of 2004 two intrepid adventurers set of into the blogosphere with nothing more than the clothes on their back, some beef jerky and a carton of Lucky Strikes. Their intent? To do nothing more than make each other laugh. Thus, Lickin' Bush in '04 was born.

For a few weeks, we did nothing but post. Then, little by little, we got a hit. Then a hit a day, then 2, 3 and we clapped for joy when we reached double-digits. Imagine, ten hits a day. Then, links. A few poor, misguided souls actually linked to us. The rest is history, or so we thought.

At the height of the election season, Lickin' Bush received 40 to 50 hits a day. We were pleased. We were more pleased by the odd piece of hate mail we received from our good Christian/Republican brethren.

After the election we did some post-election wrap-up and called it quits, announcing our new venture, Bad Vernacular.

Now, 9 months after closing down Lickin' Bush in '04, that blog averages more than 450+ hits a day. That's right, 450+ hits.

So, lets sum up the ingredients for a successful political blog:

1) Have a partner and make sure your sole desire is to make each other laugh;
2) Choose a name that can readily be misinterpreted as a pornographic site*;
3) Have your candidate lose;
4) Stop writing.

Follow those four steps and you'll be well on your way to blog success.

* We surmise that approximately 449 of the 450 hits we receive each day come from people searching for Licking Bush, leaving out the "in '04" part of the title.

BUSH TACKLES KATRINA

2005-08-31T20:20:00.000-04:00

By Tweed

Today President Bush, flexing presidential muscle, told Vice President Cheney that it would be really, really nice if he could see his way to cap gasoline prices.

In addition, the President noted that the relocation of refugees from the Superdome to the Astrodome would be good for major-league baseball, noting that Texas had sufficient fan support for three teams. The President also suggested that the refugees change their name to the "Oompa Loompas."

New Orleans refugees react to the announcement of their relocation to Texas

Finally, the President told the American people that the act of Katrina would not pass without retaliation and announced a bombing campaign against the city of Amsterdam.

IRRELEVANCY TUESDAY

2005-08-30T08:00:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Scientists have discovered that the Earth's core may spin faster than the Earth's crust.

By RANDOLPH E. SCHMID, AP Science Writer Thu Aug 25, 2:40 PM ET
WASHINGTON - The giant iron ball at the center of the Earth appears to be spinning a bit faster than the rest of the planet.

The solid core that measures about 1,500 miles in diameter is spinning about one-quarter to one-half degree faster, per year, than the rest of the world, scientists from Columbia University's Lamont-Doherty Earth Observatory and the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign report in Friday's issue of the journal Science.

The spin of the Earth's core is an important part of the dynamo that created the planet's magnetic field, and researcher Xiaodong Song said he believes magnetic interaction is responsible for the different rates of spin.

This phenomenon is known as the "Earth's core may spin faster than the Earth's crust" effect. What does this mean for the average person walking the globe today? Says researcher Song, "Not much really. In fact nothing. It could make you a few minutes late for an appointment so give yourself a few extra minutes."

In related news:

Man Launches Ice Cream Stick Viking Ship

By TOBY STERLING, Associated Press Writer Tue Aug 16

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - A former Hollywood stunt man now living in the Netherlands launched his greatest project to date Tuesday: a 45-foot replica Viking ship made of millions of wooden ice cream sticks and more than a ton of glue.

Rob McDonald named the ship the "Mjollnir" after the hammer of the mythic Norse god of thunder, Thor. After the 13 ton boat was lifted into the water by crane, "Captain Rob," as he is known, stood calmly on the stern as a team of volunteers rowed the apparently sturdy vessel around the IJ River behind the city's central station.

"I have a dream to show children they can do anything," McDonald said before the launch. "If they can dream it, they can do it."

McDonald's father fondly recalls saying the same thing to his son, Rob. "I told the little tyke that he could do anything he wanted to do. If you can dream it, you can do it! I had no idea the asshole was going to build a ship out of popsicle sticks. What a fucking waste of time."

McDonald spent months researching Viking history before building his ship. Ice Cream sticks were not his first choice of material but after his Lincoln Log and Tinker Toy ship floundered at sea he settled on ice cream sticks.

McDonald's research revealed that a Norseman, Thror Throrsonsonson, discovered the New World in 1188 while sailing in a boat constructed of popsicle sticks.

PRESIDENT TO EXTEND VACATION

2005-08-26T07:30:00.000-04:00

By Tweed

Bad Vernacular has learned that President Bush is extending his vacation for an additional two weeks. The president will be taking time away from replanting the brush he previously cleared to visit historic, Washington D.C., and to take a White House tour.

In addition, the President will spend time at Smithsonian Museum of Natural History, where the President hopes to be able to pet some hissing cockroaches. When asked about the trip, the President noted that he was excited to go: "They told me we'd go to Arlington cemetary, and I - you know that Texas looks far away, but Arlington's right across a river? Don't know how that is, but Roosevelt Island sure looks bigger on maps!"

But the vacation is not without controversy.

The Bush family is scheduled to be on a White House tour, which is one of Washington's most sought after attractions and usually requires bookings well in advance. How the Bushes obtained their tickets may turn into a fall scandal.

Bad Vernacular has discovered that Karl Rove placed a call to one of the tour operators, one Vince Callahan, and threatened to reveal to the press that his wife was working undercover with the CIA unless the Bushes got onto the tour. "I told Mr. Rove that there wasn't nothin' I could do," Mr. Callahan told Bad Vernacular investigators, "that I just schedule times and not bookings, and that I wasn't married, but that my sister worked as a clerk at the CVS on 14th and New York and some Pakistanis worked there too - and if that's what he meant, that I was OK with it. So then he asks if she could get some film developed for him."

The President plans to bring his mountain bike.

BUSH SUPPORTERS PUT MONEY WHERE MOUTH IS

2005-08-25T08:08:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Supporters of President Bush and the Iraqi War have decided to go beyond the heroic purchase of magnetic car ribbons and have mobilized. Mobilized for what? Mobilized to protest the protesters outside of Crawford, Texas, the brush capital of America (Crawford's slogan is, "W cuts Brush so you don't have to!").

Dedicated supporters of the Iraq War have driven from all across the United States (many have driven by three, four and even five military recruitment centers) to show their support for the President's policy.

Terry Harrigan, a 19-year old college sophomore is one such supporter. "I thought long and hard about this decision," says the able-bodied conservative. "I could join up and fight in Iraq or I could go where it really matters. I support our troops, just look at my car. I have two ribbons which means I support our troops twice as much as most people. But the President needs me here."

Others have struggled with the same decision. Jim Hammond's parents begged him not to sign up for duty in Crawford. Jim's older brother had done the same earlier this summer and came home with a terrible case of diarrhea, known as the Crawford Curse. But Jim felt he had to do his duty. "Major operations are over in Iraq," said Hammond. "Anyone can enlist in the Marines. How many have the guts and dedication to face Cindy Sheehan? I'm staying right here. At least until we have our kegger the weekend before classes start."

Those are just two tales of bravery and dedication. There are hundreds of others now in Crawford, risking mosquito bites, sand-mite infestations and bad sun burns.

TRAITORS OUTNUMBER PATRIOTS

2005-08-23T19:47:00.000-04:00

By Tweed

The Bush administration announced today that the number of anti-american traitors living in the United States now exceeds the number of patriots. Citing presidential approval tracking polls, the administration claims that there is now indisputable evidence that "traitorism" is on the rise.

Millions of americans now place themselves at risk of being rounded up as "material witnesses" or "undesireables," a new classification the administration created under its authority under the Patriot Act.

Conservative commentators have been warning of the trend for months, including Fox News sexaholic Bill O'Reilly:

"And on a final note, let's talk about Cindy Sheehan and her communist buddies in the democratic party - I mean, come on! How can we live in a country that allows treason to run rampent, and to sanction it within one of the major political parties. Remember, for fair and balanced reporting, tune into the no-spin zone. I'm Bill O'Reilly."

In related news, a Survey USA poll out this afternoon indicates that Nixon's corpse would beat George Bush in a presidential contest by 7 percentage points.

REVELATIONS ROCK SUPREME COURT NOMINATION

2005-08-22T06:16:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

President Bush's first Supreme Court nomination may have been delt a fatal blow yesterday when it was revealed that Judge Roberts has been leading two lives.

Bush introduces Judge Roberts, Mrs. Roberts, their daughter and the Judge's Clerk
There is the mild-mannered Federal Judge and former Reagan attorney well-known and respected in Washington D.C. and then there is the darker side of Judge Roberts. Late yesterday afternoon, Bad Vernacular learned that Judge Roberts is also Mike Brady, southern California architect* and father of six.

Roberts (Mike Brady) with his other familyOn vacation in Hawaii
The revelations have shaken the DC legal community and few are willing to speculate how it will effect his nomination to the nation's highest court.

The revelation came to light during a review of Judge Robert's opinions, which almost always began, "I think we've learned a valuable lesson here..."

Roberts' southern California neighbor, Clyde Culver, always found his neighbor "a bit funny." Says Culver: "They were just weird. Who has artificial turf for lawn? That's strange but to top it off, they have a lawn mower too."

There are also allegations that on a trip to Hawaii, one of Roberts sons (Bobby) looted a sacred Polynesian artifact known as a Tiki.

Roberts - Mike Brady - Or both?
According to one source, known only as Sam the Butcher, Roberts married a woman named Carol, who had three daughters by another man. That information has not been confirmed. Roberts (Brady) refused to comment, saying only that the revelations are"Cousin Oliver's fault. That kid has always been jinxed."

* Brady claims to be an architect but no record of a license exists and no one has ever seen a building designed by Mr. Brady. Rumor has it that Brady did design a state of the art complex but those plans were lost on an amusement park trip.

KANSAS EDUCATION BOARD CHALLENGES SECOND THEORY

2005-08-17T06:44:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

The Kansas Board of Education, having battled the theory of evolution, has set its sights an another pernicious scientific theory.

This fall, the Kansas Board of Education will tackle the thorny theory of gravity.

"It's just a theory," says Reverend Matthias Gutermote, pastor of Topeka's New Church of the Divine Resurrection and End of Days Mini-Mart. "I mean, no one has actually seen gravity, have they?"

Critics of the theory of gravity do not advocate wholesale removal of the theory from science textbooks. Rather, they desire to see more criticism of a theory they see as troublesome.

"There's some real questions we have about this gravity theory," says Bill Edmonson, father of 6 boys and 6 girls ranging in ages from one to twelve. "I mean, I'm 30 years old and in all my time I haven't seen this gravity stuff. It sure as hell isn't mentioned in the Bible. Maybe stuff falls because the world tilts one way or another or because there's nowhere to go but down. And what about hot-air balloons? Huh? They don't fall, they rise. Rise I tell ya. I'm just saying, the Sun's been going around the Earth for over 6,000 years. It ain't fallen has it?"

PETE BUSTED!

2005-08-15T16:45:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

LAS CRUCES, N.M. - New Mexico State University's mascot, Pistol Pete, is being disarmed. University officials have also stripped the word "Pistol" from Pete's name. The new logo shows Pete twirling a lasso. The old Pete toted a pistol.

The full story is here.

The decision came after Pete was involved in numerous scandals. The straw that broke the camel's back: Last month Pete spent an evening downing Tequila before brandishing his pistol and shooting wildly up and down the streets of Las Cruces. No one was hurt. Pete was charged with reckless endangerment and sentenced to probation as well as alcohol counseling. In a rare television interview, Pete blamed the event on his father, Child Abuser Mike.

Pistol Pete, in happier times

IRAQ

2005-08-12T09:44:00.000-04:00

By Tweed

What else do you expect from a guy who said he supported US policy in Vietnam during the Vietnam war?

HIGHWAY BILL

2005-08-12T06:23:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

President Bush is set to sign a $286.4 Billion dollar highway bill. Most of the money will be allocated to widening access roads to National Cemeteries such as Arlington in order to help facilitate military burials.

"There's been an uptick in military deaths recently," said a Bush spokesperson. "We just want to ensure that the families burying their dead do not have to wait in long lines at the cemetery gates. It's the least we can do for our military families."

Bush defended the spending saying, "Unlike the Democrats, we're going to use the Federal Government to help create jobs. That's the conservative way."

ANOTHER PRISON SCANDAL?

2005-08-10T18:30:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

This week, the Ministry of Magic announced that an investigation into interrogation techniques at Azkaban Prison has begun.

"We take all complaints seriously," said Minister of Magic, Rufus Scrimgeour. "We're dealing with a war against magical extremism and sometimes things can get intense. However, our interrogation techniques will stand up to international wizarding scrutiny."

Prisoners recently released, as well as some Azkaban guards, tell a different story.

"I was doing six months for transporting a bezor across state lines," said one prisoner. "I didn't hurt no one. Next thing I know, I got some fucking Dementor sucking my soul out! It's not right. That's something Muggles might do."

Others tell similar stories. However, Mad-Eye Moody, a retired Auror, defends the practice of dealing harshly with Death-Eaters. "We're in a war with You-Know-Who," said Moody. "We need information those prisoners possess. Would you rather have a few Death-Eaters have happiness sucked right out of them or do you want to see a mushroom cloud over Diagon Alley?"

A Ministry Magic spokesperson declined to comment except to say that Dementors were not employees of the Ministry but rather Independent Contractors.

Despite the looming scandal, Minister of Magic Rufus Scrimgeour remains focused. "Death-Eaters hate our way of life and think they can shake our resolve. They're wrong. Our resolve is firm."

The Ministry of Magic has been criticized recently when an incursion into A-Country-That-Must-Not-Be-Named uncovered only a few gallons of expired Polyjuice Potion and not Voldemort's alleged Horcruxes.

All of this comes on the heels of an attack at Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry which left one dead and numerous wounded. Percy Weasely, assistant to the Minister says, "The attack which took place at Hogwart's is a sign of how desperate the Death-Eaters have become. As the attacks grow in ferocity and as the ranks of Death-Eaters swell, we know they're more desperate than ever."

In unrelated news, the Cialis Viagrus charm has been recalled by manufacturers.

NEW THEORY OF CREATION PUT FORTH

2005-08-08T06:14:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

The debate about how life came to be has heated up in recent years. Theories abound, from creationism (a literal interpretation of the Bible) to evolution (gradual change) to intelligent design (a brilliant engineering student at MIT).

Yesterday, a group of scientists unveiled what they hope is a compromise theory, albeit supported by not only facts but also by documents and sworn affidavits.

The theory is called "The Design by Committee Theory".

"It's exciting stuff," says Roger Milton, Professor of Evolutionary Sciences at Boston University. "The theory actually came to me after my new care broke down for the third time."

The new theory (DBCT) sets forth the following:

1) The world was designed by a committee of 27 individuals;
2) They were of mediocre ability;
3) They were not paid;
4) They spent a lot of time discussing where to order out for lunch;
5) The committee's work took two weeks.

"We've made some marvelous discoveries," continued Professor Milton. "For instance, we discovered that one day all of the cool people went out for a break and the geeks determined that steak, alcohol and cigarettes would be bad for people."

The upshot of the theory is that there was an intelligence behind the creation of life, just not a very intelligent intelligence.

More proof that we were created by a mediocre intelligence:

1) Bob Barker;
2) Most television sit-coms;
3) Cancer;
4) Mosquitoes;
5) Brussel sprouts;
6) House flies;
7) Hurricanes;
8) Scorpions;
9) Spam;
10) Everything that tastes good is bad for you;
11) Everything that tastes bad is good for you;
12) Alzheimers;
13) Tornados;
14) Cockroaches;
15) Utah;

"The list is endless," says Milton. "Think about the way things could have been and think about the way they are. Intelligent Design?"

QUESTION OF THE WEEK

2005-08-05T06:55:00.000-04:00

Welcome to Bad Vernacular's Question of the Week.

This week's question: Which man depicted below most resembles 'that uncle' you won't leave alone with your children?

A.

B.

C.

D.

Scroll Down for Answer

C.

WEEK HIATUS

2005-07-22T22:18:00.000-04:00

For our loyal reader: Stockton will be at his house on Cape Cod for the next week. After all, that's what we liberal elites do! Tweed may be posting but his hands are filled right now with his upcoming parole hearing. Third time's a charm.

See you in August.

MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE

2005-07-22T07:07:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Wedding bells aren't ringing, but neither are phones of divorce lawyers
By Sharon Jayson, USA TODAY

Divorce is on the decline in the USA, but a report to be released today suggests that may be due more to an increase in people living together than to more lasting marriages.
Couples who once might have wed and then divorced now are not marrying at all, according to The State of our Unions 2005. The annual report, which analyzes Census and other data, is issued by the National Marriage Project at New Jersey's Rutgers University.

Many experts insist that one man is responsible for the decline in both marriage and divorce:

Ever since the thrice married, thrice divorced beacon of family values was revealed as a junkie, he has eschewed romance, thus simultaneously lowering the divorce and marriage rate.

Friend James Dobson believes Limbaugh's marriage days are over. "We all know Rush has a great respect for marriage," said Dobson. "Why else would he do it three times. Unfortunately, the Massachusetts courts has rendered Rush's three marriages meaningless. Gay marriage has destroyed whatever sanctity Limbaugh's three marriages may have had."

AN ORDER OF SALVATION, AND SUPERSIZE IT!

2005-07-20T06:44:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Thousands Gather to Celebrate Megachurch

By KRISTIE RIEKEN, Associated Press Writer Sun Jul 17,

HOUSTON - America's largest church celebrated its move into the former arena for the Houston Rockets with a capacity crowd of 16,000, an upbeat sermon from its televangelist pastor and a spirited welcome from the governor of Texas.

"How do you like our new home?" Lakewood Church pastor Joel Osteen asked to thunderous applause. "It looks pretty good doesn't it? This is a dream come true."
The new home for the nondenominational Christian church is the former Compaq Center, once home to the Rockets.

There were no vacant spots in the arena as Lakewood, which recently became the first church in the United States to average more than 30,000 worshippers weekly, held its first service there Saturday night. The service also was televised live.

Gov. Rick Perry praised the church's new look and told the crowd, "As lawmakers we do a lot of things, but only the church can teach people to love."

As Governor Perry noted, the church will be holding love clinics on the third Monday of each month. Attire is casual.

In addition, the Mega-Huge-Super Church will offer a drive-through funeral service, an Apostolic Hair Salon and a dental service whose slogan is "Jesus Even Flossed after the Last Supper!"

Some have criticized the opulence of the church. However, Pastor Osteen says the project is scripturally sanctified. According to Osteen, the Biblical passage wherein 'Jesus commands his followers to sell all their worldy possessions' has been mistranslated from the original Greek. The passage really read: "Build Ye' a big-ass church in the land of the Cowboys and Rangers and don't forget to grab a good television deal."

In unrelated news, a new study finds that church size is inversely proportional to the average male congregationalist's penis size.

BUSH TO GO MAINSTREAM

2005-07-18T06:52:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

According to press reports, President Bush is seeking a 'mainstream' Supreme Court nominee to replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor.

President Bush gave the nation several clues Saturday about the person he will nominate for a seat on the Supreme Court, except for the most important one — a name. In his weekly radio address, Bush said his eventual nominee will be a "fair-minded individual who represents the mainstream of American law and American values*."

Lets see what a nominee who is in the mainstream of American values might be like.

That person would have some or very little confidence in the Supreme Court;

They would believe the country is on the wrong track;

They would be against a total ban on abortion;

They would disapprove of the way the President has handled Iraq;

They would approve of embryonic stem cell research;

They would favor affirmative action programs for minorities;

They would disapprove of the way the President is handling Social Security;

I could live with mainstream. Of course, they'd favor allowing the Ten Commandments to be displayed in government facilities, would favor a Constitutional ban of Gay marriage and wouldn't like flag burning.

* mainstream is defined as "the prevailing current". Do we really want someone who changes with the current? It is theorized that Bush really meant mainstream values found in rural Idaho.

BUSH TRIES TO GET JIGGY WITH IT

2005-07-15T08:26:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Ripped from the headlines:

Bush Aims to Woo Blacks at Ind. Gathering
By NEDRA PICKLER, Associated Press Writer
INDIANAPOLIS -

President Bush' nametried to woo blacks in a supportive Indiana crowd Thursday while, for the fifth time skipping the NAACP annual convention. Bush hasn't spoken to the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People's convention since he first ran for president in 2000 and the NAACP National Voter Fund ran an ad that portrayed him as unsympathetic to the dragging death of a black man in Texas.

Instead he has reached out to minority audiences less critical of his policies. This year, he accepted an invitation to speak to the Indiana Black Expo, which presented him with a lifetime achievement award for his efforts to help former prisoners become productive members of society and other programs benefiting minorities. The NAACP convention was under way 250 miles away in Wisconsin.

Bush brought a message of opportunity for all Americans, including blacks, to own homes and businesses and to share in the country's prosperity. He took credit for narrowing the gap in test scores between black and white elementary school students, according to test results released Thursday by the Education Department.

"I see an America where every citizen owns a stake in the future of our country and where a growing economy creates jobs and opportunity for everyone," the president said, his voice echoing in the cavernous RCA Dome, where more than 3,000 people packed luncheon tables on the floor below empty stands.

White House press secretary Scott McClellan said Bush has already accepted the invitation to speak in Indianapolis when the NAACP asked him to speak at their convention in Milwaukee. McClellan said it's too soon to say if Bush will attend the convention next year in the District of Columbia — an invitation that NAACP Chairman Julian Bond announced Sunday, a year in advance.

The NAACP selected a new president, retired Verizon executive Bruce S. Gordon, who has pledged to build relationships with the White House. McClellan said he was certain that Bush would find time to sit down for a talk with Gordon.

Bush Wooing Blacks
On the issue of Affirmative Action, Bush took pains to declare that he "Does not believe in quotes, but had nothing against affirmatively acting to help regular people as well as blacks."

He also pointed out the steps his administration has taken to create jobs for blacks.

In unrelated news, a new Neo-Fascist organization is reaching out to Jews.

BOSTON CAUSES PRIESTS TO FONDLE CHILDREN

2005-07-13T20:58:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

After years of trying to find the root cause of child molestation, especially by Catholic priests, Rick Santorum has discovered that root cause: The City of Boston. According to Santorum:

"The basic liberal attitude in that area . . . has an impact on people's behavior," Santorum told the Boston Globe yesterday. ''If you have a world view that I'm describing [about Boston] . . . that affirms alternative views of sexuality, that can lead to a lot of people taking it the wrong way....I was just saying that there's an attitude that is very open to sexual freedom that is more predominant in Boston."

"Look at the Boston Tea Party," said Santorum. "A group of men, dressing up, late at night. Were they really dumping tea into the harbor? Don't be naive."

Santorum went on to note more evidence that Boston leads people to take it the wrong way:

1) It is well documented that Paul Revere had a "special" relationship with his horse;

2) All those frilly lace collars and cuffs during the 18th Century;

3) John Hancock.

4) The Minute Men;

5) The Big Green Monster;

6) Mike Dukakis.

Sy Goldberger has first hand knowledge of the phenomenon and agrees with Santorum. "I like to consider myself as straight as an arrow. After all, I'm a happily married 57 year old Jewish man. My wife and I decided to spend a weekend in Boston. Within minutes of just walking through Cambridge, right near Harvard, an overwhelming desire to bend over and be sodomized took me. Needless to say, Ruth and I left immediately. It was a close call. I'll never go back there again. And even if I do, which I definitely wont, I won't bring Ruth."

Asked about the GOP mantra of personal responsibility, Santorum said, "We only use that when it's convenient."

The City of Boston is now being named in priest/sex scandal cases for 'fostering an atmosphere that is molestation friendly'.

Santorum, seen here, gazes meaningfullyat Mr. Chalabi

EVERYTHING IS BACK TO NORMAL

2005-07-11T19:52:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

After September 11, 2001, many of us wondered if the United States of America would ever return to those innocent days of pre-9/11. Would we ever be the same? Would we ever recapture our true American selves?

Bad Vernacular is proud to announce that America is back!

Body of Steelers Fan Viewed in Recliner
Wed Jul 6, 2005
PITTSBURGH

James Henry Smith was a zealous Pittsburgh Steelers' fan in life, and even death could not keep him from his favorite spot: in a recliner, in front of a TV showing his beloved team in action. Smith, 55, of Pittsburgh, died of prostate cancer Thursday. Because his death wasn't unexpected, his family was able to plan for an unusual viewing Tuesday night.

The Samuel E. Coston Funeral Home erected a small stage in a viewing room, and arranged furniture on it much as it was in Smith's home on game day Sundays.

Smith's body was on the recliner, his feet crossed and a remote in his hand. He wore black and gold silk pajamas, slippers and a robe. A pack of cigarettes and a beer were at his side, while a high-definition TV played a continuous loop of Steelers highlights.

"I couldn't stop crying after looking at the Steeler blanket in his lap," said his sister, MaryAnn Nails, 58. "He loved football and nobody did (anything) until the game went off. It was just like he was at home."

Additionally, many people criticize the media today, questioning their professionalism, competence and dedication. Well, our own Tweed may have died 4th of July weekend but for this timely bit of journalism.

Experts warn of risky silicone 'pump parties'
By Marty Graham Tue Jul 5, 2005

SAN DIEGO (Reuters) - A dangerous underground of "pump parties" has sprung up around the country catering to transgender individuals seeking more feminine features through cheap -- sometimes deadly -- black-market silicone injections, experts say.

Two San Diego transgender women were near death on Friday after unlicensed practitioners injected them with liquid silicone at a "pump party" five days earlier, officials said.
Police are searching for a Los Angeles-area woman suspected of injecting as many as a dozen people at two parties that day. None of those at the second party has contacted police.

The two injured women, aged 30 and 45, are among hundreds, perhaps thousands, of people who have sought the illegal treatments to save money and to avoid dealing with the medical establishment, experts say. Their goal is to make their hips, lips, cheeks and buttocks appear more feminine.

"I've been hearing about pump parties for many years but more in the past few," said Dr. Walter Bockting, the coordinator of transgender health services at the University of Minnesota's Center for Human Sexuality. "Being beautiful and shapely is very important to certain segments of the transgender community -- it's a self-esteem builder for people who are feeling rejected by their families and communities."

At pump parties, groups of patients typically receive silicone injections from an unlicensed, untrained person who is often using non-medical silicone. Costs tend to run between $200 and $1,000 per treatment, police said.

Needless to say, Tweed canceled the party.

NEW LINKS

2005-07-09T18:28:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile since we added anyone new to Bad Vernacular so here it goes.

Say hello to Ellen and PSoTD. There, that wasn't hard.

SENATE JUDICIARY HEARING

2005-07-08T20:15:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

With one, possibly two, openings on the Supreme Court, many of you no doubt wait with anticipation for the Senate Confirmations Hearings. Well wait no longer. Here's a sneak preview. Honestly, don't we all know how they'll go?

Senator Hatch: Judge X, thank you for your time. I know it has been a long day and you must be tired. I'll get right to my questions. I'll keep them brief because it's late and I know you must have better things to do than to listen to another Senator drone on and on and on and on....

Judge X: Thank you Senator.

Senator Leahy: Judge X, if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

Senator Hatch: and on and on and on...

Judge X: I think it would be inappropriate for me to commit on a hypothetical, Senator Leahy. Let me just say this: I would like to be a Scotch Pine....

Senator Kennedy: Did you say Scotch?

Judge X: or maybe a Blue Spruce. But let me be clear. Those are two types of trees I'd like to be. I am not saying that if I were a tree, I would be a Pine or Spruce. I'm saying that I would like to be either of those two trees.

Senator Coburn: Would you, Judge X, as a Pine or Spruce, have strong Christian roots?

Judge X: The strongest, senator.

Senator Sessions: Judge X, in your opinion, was Brown v. Board of Education a colossal mistake or a devastating disaster?

Senator Biden: Excuse me, Judge X. I have to update my blog.

Senator Schumer: Judge X, is there room in your forest of Scotch Pines and Blue Spruces for trees with Jewish roots or Islamic roots?

Senator Feingold: Hey, that was my question.

Judge X: Uhmm, of course Senator....

Senator Cornyn: Any Box Turtles running around in that forest, Judge X?

Judge X: I....Box Turtles?

Senator Kennedy: I, ah...am...ah positive that someone said Scotch.

Senator Brownback: Getting back to the issue at hand, Judge X, is it your opinion that a...say an acorn...is an acorn already an oak? Or does an oak have different rights than an acorn?

Judge X: That decision should really be left up to the states. The Constitution does not make any reference to foliage. None whatsoever.

Senator Coburn: Were you aware that over 1,000,000 acorns a year are systematically slaughtered while we stand by and do nothing?

Judge X: Uhm....no....I wasn't...

Senator Kennedy: Maybe a Dingo ate your acorn...

Senator Hatch: and on and on and on.

Senator Feinstein: Judge X, will you tell us your name.

Senator Coburn: Typical Liberal. Trash him why don't you.

FOR OUR BRIT FRIENDS

2005-07-07T18:16:00.000-04:00

Our thoughts are with you.

YOU DONE GOUDA

2005-07-05T22:50:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Today in Denmark, President Bush thanked the Danish people for their contribution in the Iraq War.

"You've done America and the world a valuable service. You've done Gouda," said the President. Bush went on to call Denmark a country "shaped like a mitten."

The President, upon learning that Gouda is a Dutch cheese, laughed off the faux pas. "I knew that, I was just seeing if you were paying attention."

Ironically, many see the War in Iraq as comparable to the Danish cheese, Port Salut, a semi-soft cheese with an offensive aroma that has difficulty aging.

THE CONSTITUTIONALITY OF BARE BOOBS

2005-07-02T21:43:00.000-04:00

By Tweed

A Florida woman has taken a courageous stance against our male-dominated society by contesting the constitutionality of laws prohibiting females from baring their breasts, while unfairly allowing men to show theirs.

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
DAYTONA BEACH - A woman who won a court fight over her right to bare her breasts in public plans to protest topless Saturday at a city auditorium. Elizabeth Book planned to stage the protest at the Peabody Auditorium next to three statues of women nude from the waist up.
"I will be as top-free as the statues," Book said Monday in an e-mail to the nudists and naturists who have supported her cause. "This is not over until Daytona is forced to recognize the unconstitutionality of their ordinances and statutes aimed at the American woman's breasts."
Volusia County Judge David Beck ruled that Book was within her rights when she bared her breasts as part of a political protest during Bike Week in March 2004.
The city's anti-nudity ordinance allows an exemption for nudity that is part of a political protest or other constitutionally protected issue, Beck said, throwing out her arrest and fine for $253. The city passed the rule in 2002 to curb indecency at special events.

We at Bad Vernacular are supportive of nearly all movements toward freedom and equality. And while, at first blush, Ms. Book's efforts may appear to be well worth her efforts. . .

. . . we believe that the notion of bare breasts deserves a more careful constitutional analysis.

We at Bad Vernacular feel that while constitutional, the right to bare one's breasts must be subject to a certain level of restraint, as demonstrated here by Stockton:

But parsing the constitutional issues raised by bare breasts is difficult at best. Constitutional rights can frequently be plainly stated - such as the right to free speech; but the ultimate application of that right in everyday life can be difficult. Just as we can see the justification for denying constitutional protection to yelling "fire!" in a crowded movie theatre, we can see the justification for restraining the baring of one's breasts under certain circumstances. Indeed, there are easy cases, such as the Galloway case and Betram case:

U.S v. Galloway, 387 US 877 (2002):

U.S. v. Bertram, 38 F.3d 684 (5th Cir. 1999):

But other times, seemingly unconstitutional behavior is actually constitutional. Like all rights, the right to bare one's breasts must be afforded great protection, and the restraints on that right must be carefully tailored. These cases must be carefully reviewed and scrutinized under the appropriate standard for this right.

But we must be cognizant of the fact that sometimes acts that appear within the broad borders of constituionally protected conduct may, in fact, constitute the most flagrant violations of that sacred document - making a mockery of the right protected.

Your loyal servants, Stockton and Tweed, will be ever vigilant in supporting the appropriate exercise of this right.

ANNOUNCEMENT!

2005-06-30T21:40:00.000-04:00

COMING SOON - 300 ROOM LUXURY RESORT

TIGGER AND PIGLET DEATHS LINKED

2005-06-29T08:17:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

This past weekend the entertainment community mourned the death of Tigger and Piglet, those two lovable friends of Pooh. Tigger passed away on Friday, June 24, followed closely by his little porcine buddy Piglet on the 25th of June. No cause of death has been given.

Although well-loved by all, their passing may have remained a poignant coincidence except for Bad Vernacular's intrepid investigative team.

Tigger and Piglet had more than their deaths in common. They were also both in Dallas on the afternoon of November 22, 1963.

After sifting through hours of film and photographic archives, these startling photographs were discovered. Be forewarned, they are not for the fainthearted.

Senator Arlen Specter, counsel to the Warren Commission was outraged. "We never saw these photographs. This raises so many new questions. Why weren't they ever subpoenaed to testify?" Specter declined to say whether or not Congress would investigate.

Pooh could not be reached for comment.

ARUBA SEEKS NEW SLOGAN

2005-06-27T20:12:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

In the wake of the disappearance of Alabama high school senior Natalee Holloway, Aruban officials are scurrying to salvage the tiny Caribbean island's image. Some officials believe the island's old slogan, "Aruba, the safest place in the Caribbean" might be outdated.

"We need to change with the times," said Aruban Director of Tourism, Hjmr van Pelt. "We want our slogan to be fresh and new but also honest. We don't need to lose any more credibility."

The Ministry of Tourism is close to selecting the new slogan. The favorite, says van Pelt, is "Aruba, a nice island where hardly anyone is ever murdered or disappears". The runner up is "Aruba, you have a lot better chance of being killed in Mexico." The new slogans are currently being tested.

Aruba, safer than Washington D.C.

ATTORNEY GENERAL LIBERATES NIPPLE OF JUSTICE

2005-06-26T09:21:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

In a move that highlights the fanatical degree of his predecessor's rightwingery, rightwing Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has removed the curtains that shrouded justice for the past few years.

After more than three years of being blocked by large blue drapes, two Art Deco aluminum statues of semi-nude figures in the building's Great Hall can be seen again. The "Spirit of Justice" and the "Majesty of Justice," which loom over the stage in the Great Hall, were blocked from view by curtains installed by the department in January 2002, when former Attorney General John Ashcroft was in office. The curtains were quietly removed on Friday after a decision by Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, Justice Department spokesman Kevin Madden said.

It was also learned that both statutes had undergone sleep deprivation, were subjected to Christian rock music and were otherwise humiliated during Ashcroft's tenure at the Department of Justice. One report revealed that an unnamed Ashcroft aid flushed a copy of the Constitution down the toilet in the presence of the two statues.

Gonzales disputes reports that the curtains were removed as a 'dig' at Ashcroft. "We simply learned all there was to learn from these two detainees," said the Attorney General. "Then we released them."

Unknown man demonstrates how he held thestatues after the night cleaning crew had leftthe building

FUN FACT: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is 23x's more spicey than the last two attorneys general.

BAD VERNACULAR'S RETURN

2005-06-26T08:49:00.000-04:00

Editors

In preparation for the return of Bad Vernacular, we have endorsed not just a candidate for 2008, but an entire ticket. Our selection process was rigorous. We sorted through many photographs until we found just the right combination: northerner - southerner, House - Senate, brunette - blond.

America is ready for this ticket! Nay, America aches for this ticket. Please join us in our fight.

NEW NATIONAL EMBLEM

2005-04-18T11:01:00.000-04:00

By Tweed

I read this, and figured our national emblem should be changed to:

FOR OUR READER

2005-04-10T15:02:00.000-04:00

Editors

Stockton & Tweed and Bad Vernacular will be signing off for a few weeks (maybe four, maybe six, maybe eight). We are not abandoning BV or the fight to return good drugs and hot women to the White House.

However, a variety of things have become apparent. First of all, lampooning Bush has lost much of its relevance because Bush has lost much of his relevance. He's a lame duck, very unpopular now and making fun of him on a regular basis makes as much sense as making fun of Warren Harding.

Secondly, we'd never be able to keep up the pace through to the next election. That's a fight we want to join in and we don't want to be burned out for 2008.

Thirdly, the Schiavo matter has left a bad taste in our mouths (along with the cheap bourbon we drink). No matter where you stand on the issue, and there are plenty of grey areas, the circus that erupted was despicable. Yes, it was the fault of the Christian Right, but that makes the spectacle no less despicable.

So, we are going to go on hiatus. We'll post if we feel like it and do nothing if we feel like it. Basically, it's time to re-charge the batteries and see what direction we are going to take Bad Vernacular. We may end up doing more social satire than political for now. Who knows. We may abandon our serious entries for more of a comical look at the world. Either way, we hope to be back refreshed and ready to go.

In the meantime, we leave you with this, possibly the best damn link ever. Have fun with it.
We've had fun making the cut-outs.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT

2005-04-05T21:55:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Oral Sex Safe and Not Really Sex, Say U.S. Teens

CHICAGO (Reuters) - One in five U.S. teenagers say they have engaged in oral sex, an activity that some adolescents view as not sex at all and certainly less risky than intercourse, a report released Monday said.

The survey of 580 children with a mean age of 14-1/2 found 20 percent said they had engaged in oral sex, compared to 14 percent who said they had engaged in sexual intercourse.

"Adolescents also believed that oral sex is more acceptable than vaginal sex for adolescents their own age in both dating and non-dating situations, oral sex is less of a threat to their values and beliefs, and more of their peers will have oral sex than vaginal sex in the near future," she wrote.

Scientists and child behavior experts had some hard questions for the youth of today. "I can't believe what these children today are thinking," said Sociologist Ken Layman. "If you don't think oral sex is sex, you're just not doing it right."

Princeton Professor Lisa Mellman agrees. "There's no way that fellatio should be less of a values threat. Trust me. I remember the Sunday morning walk of shame quite well, when all I wanted to do was get my hands on some mouthwash and forget the weekend."

PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATIONS

2005-04-02T11:10:00.000-05:00

By Tweed

On the same day the Presidential commission on intelligence gathering about Iraq weapons of mass destruction reported that that the intelligence community performed about as well as the 2004 Montreal Expos, the architect for the War in Iraq, Paul Wolfowitz was confirmed as head of the World Bank.

Additional Bush nominations are in the pipeline and include:

Joan Crawford to head Head Start;

Only available photo of Ms. Crawford

Tom Hagen for Attorney General;

Mr. Hagen with client at a board meeting

Andrew Fastow at Treasury;

Mr. Fastow being escorted to the White House

Tommy Chong as the new Drug Czar.

Mr. Chong already has his own action figure

SPECIAL NEWS ALERT

2005-04-02T10:06:00.000-05:00

A Bad Vernacular Exclusive

The man millions of people loved and trusted has finally departed this world.

Thousands stand vigil outside his residence.

CHENEY IN 08

2005-03-30T20:47:00.000-05:00

Editors

Word on the street is that there is an effort to recruit Vice President Cheney for the top of the ticket in 2008.

Stockton and Tweed, the team that has brought you such fine products such as Bad Vernacular and Lickin' Bush in 04, are please to announce the planned launch of their new website on January 1, 2008:

Lickin' Dick in 08.

Have fun, ladies.

NEWS WRAP-UP

2005-03-29T22:18:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

The Editors would like to apologize to our reader for the sparse posting of late. Community service is taking up much of my time and Tweed is standing vigil outside Tom Delay's home. Much has happened in the past week. So here's a news roundup:

Michael Jackson

In a shocking admission during his trial for child molestation, Michael Jackson admitted that Billie Jean was indeed his lover and not, we repeat not, just a girl he knew. And the kid is his son.

Focus on the Family

After weeks of intense criticism from Christian James Dobson, a teary-eyed Sponge Bob has finally admitted that he and Patrick are "more than friends." The admission came on an episode of The 700 Club.

Bob & Patrick, more than friends
The beloved cartoon character will be spending the remainder of the Spring here, in the hopes that he can pray away the gay.

Election 2008

Bad Vernacular had thought it had a Democratic dream ticket in Herseth - Landrieu until Elwood at Windy City Blues nominated Debbie Schultz of Florida.

Even if she doesn't make the ticket, I think we may have our Secretary of State.

CONGRESS ORDERS FEEDING TUBE REINSERTED

2005-03-23T20:25:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

In a desperate, last ditch effort to prolong life, Congress has ordered that the feeding tube be reinserted into President Bush's Social Security Plan.

The decision was based, in part, upon affidavits from those who helped craft the legislation.

"I visit everyday," says Jason Hoblock, a White House Domestic Affairs advisor. "You should see the way it responds to me. It tries to communicate, smile, laugh, create private accounts. I know it wants to dismantle social security. I see that when I look into its eyes. I hope it has that chance."

Others argue that the plan should be allowed to die with dignity. Even some Republicans agree. "I know what you see on television," said one anonymous republican. "President Bush and even McCain are out there like nothing's wrong. I've spoken with numerous physicians and they tell me it's a lost cause."

Experts suggest that the actions of President Bush and Senator John McCain to "sell" the plan to the American people are nothing more than involuntary reflexes and not signs of normal, cognitive functioning.

"It's like a chicken that has its head cut off," says John Talbot, Professor of Social Policy at the University of Virginia. "The chicken can actually twitch for up to 45 seconds after decapitation. That doesn't mean the chicken is alive."

HOUSE, SENATE, WHITE HOUSE PREPARE FOR BUDGET NEGOTIATIONS

2005-03-21T07:48:00.000-05:00

By Tweed

Republican leaders of the House and Senate and the White House have agreed to a somewhat unusual approach to hammering out their differences over this fiscal year's budget: hire independent negotiators.

The idea sprung up earlier this week as representatives from the two branches began talking about their differences. "We quickly realized that there were great differences among us," said House Speaker Hastert, "and that it was best for the country to avoid displaying intra-party bickering." "We thought it best that third parties take hold of this process," added Senator Frist.

The Senate republicans have announced that their negotiator will be long-time Republican and consumate Washington Insider, Bob Dole. "We chose Mr. Dole because. . . . well. . . because he'll do just about anything for money," said Senator Santorum.

Dole's Last Successful Campaign

"Bob Dole's serving his country again," said Mr. Dole, "and Bob Dole doesn't take any shit from anybody - especially any weak-kneed girly men from Texas. And stop lying about my penis."

The House republicans have taken a slightly different route. "We've got a great one," said Congressman Tom Delay, who has been instrumental in the House republican search. "We got Abdul -el Alsurnami - he's from Cairo. Everybody knows them Arab traders'll sell ya the hair offa yer own back."

el-Alsurnami with his Wares in Cairo

Through a translater el-Alsurnami said that he was very excited about the position and hoped that he could unload fifty persian rugs and six white virgins in the process: "My prices best in town - best in town!" said el-Alsurnami, in broken English.

The White House search was said to be led by the President himself, and has resulted in a new career for TV personality Monty Hall. But, unlike the House and Senate negotiators, Monty Hall has joined the President on his US tour promoting his plan.

Monty Asking Sharon Hicks to Try a Personal Account

Early reports indicate Hall's addition to the President's team have been succesful. "I thought it was great seeing Monty again," said Sharon Hicks, one of the hand picked "townsfolks" for one of the President's orchestrated "Townhall" style events. "Monty asked me if I wanted to stick with my social security plan or go with the president's plan, the particulars of which were in a box. I was so excited. . . I couldn't make up my mind! Then I chose the box and won a Ford Escape!"

ABC ANNOUNCES NEW REALITY TV SHOW

2005-03-18T06:04:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Following in the grand tradition of Reality Television, ABC has announced the gem in its Fall Lineup: The New Odd Couple.

A down on his luck former child actor needs a place to stay. A down on his luck former athlete needs a roommate to make ends meet. Can they survive without killing each other? Tune in to the New Odd Couple.

Starring O.J. Simpson

And Robert Blake
Tune in for Episode One, "The Blind Date"

Depressed over losing his handgun, Bobby is cheered-up when O.J. surprises him with a brand new, untraceable, Smith & Wesson. Touched by the gift, Bobby gives OJ a complete set of Dexter Russell Professional Cutlery. Then, the boys set out for a blind date with Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton. Hilarity ensues. Will the girls ever be seen again? Will anyone care? Tune in on Thursday nights, immediately following Unsolved Mysteries.

LOOKING TOWARDS 2008*

2005-03-16T07:05:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

The 2008 Presidential Election is almost upon us. In the next few weeks, candidates will be testing the waters. After that, with only 46 more months to go, it will be difficult to gain ground on candidates who got out there early.

Faced with the looming election, Bad Vernacular has some tough choices to make: Do we endorse a candidate, do we stay neutral, do we promote an 'anybody but....' campaign?

First, we had to determine what kind of President we wanted to see in 2008. These criteria came to mind:

1) Foreign & Domestic Policy experience;
2) Ability to communicate;
3) Intelligence and wisdom;
4) Compassion.

The problem is, many people can lay claim to those attributes. Then it came to us. What did we really want in a President? What did we really want after Reagan, Bush, Clinton and Bush?

After much soul searching we hit upon the answer. A Hot President. Enough with grey-haired southern yokels. We want a hot President: one that looks good in a pair of tight jeans, one with a nice pair of legs, one who will charm foreign leaders and the United Nations. Someone who will look good in a belly shirt and miniskirt while giving a press conference in the Rose Garden. Partisanship be damned.

Unfortunately, our search is limited to Congress and Governors, women who actually have some chance of getting the nomination. But have you seen some of them? And before any angry females contact us, we are hardly saying there is an over-abundance of handsome, male politicians. Quite the contrary. It just so happens we are look for a female candidate. Females looking for 'Hot' male politicians will face the same predicament. The best and the brightest might enter politics, but not the prettiest.

So here are the finalists in our search (and it aint pretty, people):

Reviewing the list of Representatives, the name Virginia Fox (NC-5th) sounded promising:

But not so much!**

Joanne Davis (VA -1st) is attractive for an older politician and she appears open minded when it comes to experimenting with certain 'devices';

But we don't think she'll pull off the belly shirt requirement.

Melissa Hart (PA-4th) is not unattractive:

But she looks too....well....beefy for our purposes.

This one's pretty cute and probably has a decent supply of sexy clothing:

Still, she might be a bit too feminine for the country.

Anne Northrup (KY-3rd) isn't ugly, but the intern on the right may have a real shot at a future BV endorsement:

Governor Granholm (MI) looks nice and we like the sultry pout:

Alas, she was born in Canada.

Finally, a potential contender, Stephanie Herseth (SD):

Herseth is on the right. Not shabby for a gal pol.

Lastly, Louisiana's own Senator, Mary Landrieu:

We could live with her too.

If you can think of anyone else let us know. Right now, it looks like Herseth - Landrieu in 2008.

Next week - Nuns we'd like to see made Pope

* Or PWLTF

** This is not, I repeat not, the Virginia Fox that captured our hearts in Bend Over Babes II - IX

CHRISTIAN IN A HURRY

2005-03-14T19:02:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Wis. Sect Focused on 'End Time' Prophecy

By The Associated Press

Terry Ratzmann, the man who police say killed seven people and then himself during a church service, was a member of the Living Church of God, a denomination that focuses on "end-time" prophecies.

The church's estimated 6,300 members in 40 countries place a strong emphasis on using world news to "prove" that these are end times, to be followed by Christ's second coming.

The Charlotte, N.C.-based Living Church of God grew out of a schism in the Worldwide Church of God, formed in 1933 as the Radio Church of God by Herbert W. Armstrong. Armstrong, an Oregon advertising man, preached that Anglo-Americans were Jews, descendants of the lost "ten tribes of Israel."

The schism dividing the Living Church of God and the Worldwide Church of God occurred in 1933. Living Church of God doctrine explicitly stated that Christ would return in 2-3 years while World Wide Church of God members believed Christ would return on Labor Day weekend, 1938. Each faction considers the other heretics.

Earlier, in 1928, another faction splintered from the group. That faction believed that Christ had already returned, didn't like what he saw, and left.

FLORIDA REPUBLICANS ACT TO PROTECT SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE

2005-03-11T19:55:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Republican lawmakers in Florida acted swiftly to block a March 18, 2005 deadline that would remove Terri Schiavo's feeding tubes.

Plans Afoot to Keep Schiavo Feeding Tube
Wed Mar 9, 2005

By MITCH STACY, Associated Press Writer

CLEARWATER, Fla. - Florida's social services agency and Republican state lawmakers acted on two fronts Wednesday to block the March 18 removal of a feeding tube for a woman at the center of a contentious right-to-die case.

"This isn't about the Schiavo's," said one Republican lawmaker. "This is about the government's right to interfere in someone else's personal nightmare and protect the sanctity of marriage in this country. This isn't a decision that spouses should make."

Terri Schiavo, in a vegetative state for 15 years, has become a symbol among the Right-to-a-Feeding Tube crowd, led by a number of Christian Fundamentalist organizations.

Dr. James Dobson is fairly outspoken about the case. "First spousal abuse, then rape, now decade long vegetative states. Their looking for anything that will undermine traditional marriage in the nation. If a vegetative state was a reason to euthanize a spouse, I'd lose over half my congregation!"

If the feeding tube is removed, it will be put up for auction on EBay to help fund more interference in people's private matters.

PARTY - SWEDISH STYLE

2005-03-09T20:14:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Swedish feminists have formed their own political party.

Feminists poised to create own political party in Sweden
Tue Mar 8, 2005

STOCKHOLM (AFP) - A new women's political party is set to emerge in Sweden, a country already considered a world-leader in women's rights.

Rumors of the planned feminist party have been circulating ever since one of Sweden's most high-profile feminists, Gudrun Schyman, resigned as head of the previously communist Left Party last year to focus on making gender equality the main theme of the upcoming 2006 general elections.

We like their platform and believe they could make a big splash in the next round of elections. Good luck to Sweden's newest political party.

We'd like to see them go all they way!

OF LIBERAL ICONS

2005-03-07T20:18:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

The pantheon of liberal heroes is stocked with many people we admire. There is Franklin Roosevelt, Adlai Stevenson, John Kennedy and his brothers, and the indomitable Hubert Humphrey.

There is one man who deserves equal recognition; a man who not only thought great liberal thoughts, but put them into action. Indeed, his accomplishments may have directly affected more people than most of those named above. Yet, he remains largely forgotten. In some small way, I would like to help rectify his anonymity. Most of you, if not all, know the name. You may not know of the depth and breadth of his accomplishments.

Robert Sargent Shriver is probably best known as being, if not a Kennedy, then of the Kennedys. His marriage to Eunice Kennedy may have served to reduce, rather than enhance, his image and the recognition he deserves.

Shriver held dual citizenship. He was, of course, an American citizen. Further, and unique for the time, he considered himself a citizen of humanity. Some on the right may roll their eyes at such a suggestion. But unlike Shriver, many on the right did not share his experiences. First, Shriver twice visited Germany while in college. The first time was shortly after Hitler came to power. Full blown fascism had not yet engulfed the country. His second trip, a few years later, was different. Hardly a man between the ages of eighteen and thirty was out of uniform. He witnessed political prisoners, their heads shaved, marched into a "camp". That camp was Buchenwald.

But Shriver was more than just a witness. Unlike many of today's leading conservative figures, Shriver served his country bravely for four years during World War II. This experiences made him not an idealist, but an optimist.

His accomplishments are many and his legacy inspiring: Peace Corps, Head Start, VISTA, Job Corps, Community Action, Upward Bound, Foster Grandparents, Special Olympics. All successful programs that have profoundly influenced the lives of millions.

It was at Shriver's urging that his brother-in-law, John Kennedy, reached out to Martin Luther King. This act may have won the 1960 election for Kennedy. Shriver won the respect of Lyndon Johnson, no small task for a liberal and a "Kennedy".

Shriver was seriously considered, though it was not public at the time, for the Vice-Presidency in 1964 and 1968. There are many who believe Shriver would have paved the way for President Humphrey, sparing us the inglorious Nixon years. When his time did come, it was as a replacement on a doomed ticket.

And yes, Shriver was proud and present when Arnold was sworn in as California Governor in 2003.

Shriver is now 90 years old and suffers from Alzheimers. He, perhaps more than all other liberal icons, is worthy of our thanks and respect. Shriver has contributed more to this country and the world than the likes of Delay, Limbaugh, Hannity, Will and Coulter combined. They are mere talkers. Shriver, the unabashed liberal, was a man of action.

R. Sargent Shriver

DID HOBBITS ONCE WALK THE EARTH?

2005-03-04T05:21:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Yes, according to scientists.

'Hobbit' Brain Supports Species Theory

By JOSEPH B. VERRENGIA, AP Science Writer

Scientists working with powerful imaging computers say the spectacular "Hobbit" fossil recently discovered in Indonesia had distinctive brain features that could justify its classification as a separate — and tiny — human ancestor.

The new report, published Thursday in the online journal Science Express, seems to support the idea of a sophisticated human dwarf species marooned for eons while modern man proliferated.

The new research produced a computer-generated model that compared surface impressions on the inside of the fossil skull with brain casts of modern and ancient humans, as well as chimps and other primates.

The scientists said the model shows that the 3-foot specimen, nicknamed Hobbit, had a brain unlike anything they had seen before in the human lineage. The brain is chimplike in size, about 417 cubic centimeters.

Yet the Hobbit's brain shared wrinkled surface features with the much larger brains of both modern humans and Homo erectus, a tool-making ancestor that lived in southeast Asia more than 1 million years ago. Some of those brain features are consistent with higher cognitive traits.

These brain features coincide with physical evidence of advanced behaviors, such as hunting, firemaking and the use of stone tools, which were found alongside the bones in a cave on the remote equatorial island of Flores. To some, this suggests an organized society of tiny hunters flourished on the island for millennia at a time when modern humans dominated the planet.

Anthropologist Andrew Thomas has been able to piece together much about these creatures.

"They were an obnoxious yet ancient people more numerous formerly than they are today. They loved war and tax cuts and were most at home in boardrooms and country clubs. They did not understand or like machines more complicated than missile defense shields or an electric chairs. Even in the ancient days they were, as a rule, hateful of those living in the northeast of their island, calling them 'Elites' and 'out of touch with mainstream hobbitry'. They were quick and nimble and possessed from the first the ability to 'spin' and change the justification for their actions at the drop of a turd. Their faces, as a rule, were good-natured, pasty and white. They were inclined to wear dark suits and light blue ties. They disdained government spending but engaged in it with great delight...."

Scientists at the University of Chicago have created computer-generated pictures of what the creatures may have looked like.

Computer image of the primitive 'Hobbits'

SAY HELLO TO...

2005-03-03T18:52:00.000-05:00

Everybody, please welcome Court Fool into our sad, demented, Mansonesque Blog Family. He did a post on Bad Vernacular so he obviously has no taste. Just our kind of folk. Welcome.

A LITTLE BIT 'O' TEXAS COMES TO IRAQ

2005-03-03T07:14:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Iraqi women eye Islamic law
Fri Feb 25, 2005

The majority United Iraqi Alliance supports sharia.

By Jill Carroll, Contributor to The Christian Science Monitor

BAGHDAD - Covered in layers of flowing black fabric that extend to the tips of her gloved hands, Jenan al-Ubaedy knows her first priority as one of some 90 women who will sit in the national assembly: implementing Islamic law.

She is quick to tick off what sharia will mean for married women. "[The husband] can beat his wife but not in a forceful way, leaving no mark. If he should leave a mark, he will pay," she says of a system she supports. "He can beat her when she is not obeying him in his rights. We want her to be educated enough that she will not force him to beat her, and if he beats her with no right, we want her to be strong enough to go to the police."

Ms. Ubaedy went on to say: "You don't beat her like some kind of animal. This isn't Texas. You have to have a good reason to beat her." Ms. Ubaedy lists some of those reasons:

1- Turkey Pot Pie not warm enough;
2- Case of Piels not cold enough;
3- Trailer hasn't been picked up in weeks;
4- Talking too much during Nascar;
5- A US Marine put women's underwear on head;
6- Watching too much "Mosul 90210" and "Ali-ibn's Creek".

"We've waited so long for this moment," said Azira M'bqua. "For years I've wondered if my husband really loved me. He's never bothered to beat me, or even smack me. Not one little bitch slap. Now it'll be his legal obligation."

Other Iraqi's credit George W. Bush. "Without him," said one excited Iraqi, "we wouldn't have the first, legitimately elected Islamic Republic."

CUB SCOUTS BREATHE SIGH OF RELIEF

2005-03-01T08:49:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Cub Scout leaders throughout the country beathed a sigh of relief when they heard the news about the BTK serial killer, Dennis Rader.

Rader, 59, a churchgoing family man and Cub Scout leader, was arrested Friday. He remains held in lieu of $10 million bail in connection with 10 deaths, committed between 1974 and 1991.

The BTK killer re-emerged in March 2004, taunting police with letters and packages sent to media outlets. Authorities have declined to say what led them to zero in on Rader, a married father of two and an active member of a Lutheran church.

Police had long linked BTK the nickname comes from killer's own writings to authorities and stands for "Bind, Torture, Kill" to eight murders, but they added two more on Saturday after Rader's arrest and said their investigation was continuing. A source close to the investigation said he had confessed to six killings.

"We're just so glad he's a churchgoing man," said Scout leader John Richards. "It would have been embarrassing if he turned out to be an atheist or something strange, like a pagan. Oh yeah, and he wasn't gay. It's important that people know that our scout leaders are not gay. Rader may burn in hell, but not for being gay!"

Scout Leader Rader: "At least he's not gay."

COLORADO REPUBLICAN ADMITS HE'S INTO "FISTING"

2005-02-26T09:32:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

In a daring move, Colorado State Representative Bill Cadman admitted to a colleague that he enjoys "fisting".

On Point,

February 24, 2005

CRANKY CADMAN
At the time this was written Wednesday afternoon, Rep. Bill Cadman, R-Colorado Springs, still hadn't forthrightly apologized for warning a colleague Tuesday on the floor of the House, "If you try that again, I'll ram my fist up your ass."

Cadman, because he would be doing the ramming, would be known as the "pitcher". Colleague Val Vigil, the ramee, would be known as the "catcher".

According to sources, Vigil turned down Cadman's offer noting, "I usually get dinner first."

POPE ATTACKS GAY MARRIAGE, OTHERS

2005-02-23T19:01:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Pope Calls Gay Marriage Part of 'Ideology of Evil'
Tue Feb 22, 2005

By Philip Pullella
ROME (Reuters) - Homosexual marriages are part of "a new ideology of evil" that is insidiously threatening society, Pope John Paul says in a new book published Tuesday.

In "Memory and Identity," the Pope also calls abortion a "legal extermination" comparable to attempts to wipe out Jews and other groups in the 20th century.

The Pope's list of those who are part of the "new ideology of evil" did not end with gay marriages and abortionists.

The Pope also singled out: Gargamel and his never-ending attempt to eradicate Smurfdom.

Smurfacide - A blight on humanity

Lord Voldemort

And....

Kenny G

GONZO, GONZO, GONZO, GONE!

2005-02-22T06:55:00.000-05:00

By Tweed

The creator and sole practitioner of the art of Gonzo Journalism has gone out with a bang - literally. Using one of his many firearms, Hunter S. Thompson killed himself Sunday by shooting himself. I'd say it was 50/50 he was high on something at the time.

We at Bad Vernacular mourn the loss of one of America's greatest paranoid, drug taking, gun loving bad boy social critics ever. A legend in his own time, Thompson's fear and loathing of America and participatory journalism often produced remarkably insightful commentary on America, its politicians and some of its social phenomena. And, unlike George W. Bush's secret drug taking, Hunter Thompson's long affair with drugs certainly created the justification for some mixed up youth to start popping pills - not that I have any personal experience in any of this mind you.

Thompson's death, in my mind, marks the end of an era. Perhaps he saw it that way too. I haven't a clue as to why Thompson killed himself - or whether it was legal for him to do so (note to self: contact former Attorney General Ashcroft about getting Thompson's corpse arrested) - and I won't venture any guesses.

I just hope that in our remembrance of him, we won't limit ourselves to his book about a drug infested visit to sin city. Remember instead the Thompson drug infested coverage of the presidential elections, and his in-depth pieces on events and social issues.

For those of you unaware of Thompson's skills as a journalist and social commentator, I recommend starting at the beginning: The Great Shark Hunt.

Good bye, Dr. Thompson.

AMERICA'S YOUTH THANK PRESIDENT BUSH

2005-02-21T07:05:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

In 1998, an aid to former President George H.W. Bush began secretly recording conversations with future President George W. Bush.

The conversations ranged in topic from John Ashcroft to Evangelical Christians. However, the most influential statements involves drug use and today's youth.

Bush also criticizes then-Vice President Al Gore for admitting marijuana use and explains why he would not do the same.

"I wouldn't answer the marijuana questions," he said, according to the Times. "You know why? Because I don't want some little kid doing what I tried."

According to some teens, Bush's refusal to answer questions profoundly impacted their lives.

"It was huge for me," said Todd Butterfield. "I was 18 then and pretty messed up. All my friends were trying marijuana cigarettes. I abstained but if I knew the Governor of Texas had smoked marijuana cigarettes, it would have been a whole different ball game."

Scott Jansen tells a similar story. "The one thing that kept me off weed was knowing that W didn't admit to using. I owe him my life, man. My Life!"

The example that public officials set for today's youth cannot be underestimated. Just ask Larry Swartz, 17, from Passaic, New Jersey. Larry lost his best friend when Governor James McGreevey admitted he was gay.

"Hey, I figured if the Governor of New Jersey was doing it, it must be the cool thing to do. Unfortunately, Steve must not have been caught up on current events because he beat the crap out of me when I tried to kiss him in the boys shower."

Sociologist Kenneth Ward says that the impact politicians have on youth should never be underestimated. "Young people watch politicians, whether it's their local councilman or the President of the United States. They hang posters of politicians in their bedrooms and want to be just like them, even down to the hair and clothes. I applaud President Bush for his decision not to discuss his relationship with illicit drugs."

ARCHAEOLOGY DISCOVERY BACKS BUSH

2005-02-19T08:29:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Newly unearthed scrolls in the Dead Sea Valley have stunned Archaologists. The scrolls were discovered by shepherd Ali bin Gannon in a small cave overlooking the Dead Sea.

"It's a remarkable find," said Professor M. Stewart Upton III. "They give great insight into both the financial and social services policy of Jesus and the Twelve Apostles."

The scrolls contain both maxims of Jesus as well as graphs and falalfel charts. Among the more startling:

- "Sell everything you own and follow me, but keep 30% of the proceeds from your sale and place that dinari in private accounts with minimal risk and a return rate of at least 4%"

- "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and unto God what is God's but the Caesarian Tax Code, comprised of more than 1,200 stone tablets, should be simplified and reduced to no more than 25 stone tablets."

- "Let he amongst you who is without sin cast the first stone, unless he's a queer, than cast all the stones you want and save some for me."

The arrow points to the section regardingprivate accounts for the Apostles

Some scholars remain sceptical of the scrolls authenticity. Detractors note that the phrase, "Strong Steady Leadership" and the word "Crawford" appear numerous times in the scrolls.

JACKSON FALLS ILL

2005-02-16T06:24:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Michael Jackson's Sudden Illness Halts Trial

By Dan Whitcomb

SANTA MARIA, Calif. (Reuters) - Pop star Michael Jackson was taken to a hospital emergency room suffering from the flu on Tuesday, bringing an abrupt halt to jury selection in his child molestation trial.

Jackson became so sick while en route to court in Santa Maria, about 30 minutes from his Neverland Valley Ranch, that he was driven instead to a local hospital. The sudden illness caught Superior Court Judge Rodney Melville and even Jackson's own lawyers by surprise.

"We all knew something was wrong," said Jackson friend, Jim Stevens. "He looked so pale. He looked all washed-out."

The first sign of trouble came late last night when supporters had gathered to show support for Michael. "We were all just hanging out, playing Candyland," said Melvin Hardwick, a long-time Jackson associate. "Then suddenly, Michael's nose just falls off. Just falls right off his face. It bounced a few times and then rolled under the couch."

Jackson was rushed by ambulance to Saint Jude's Children's Hospital.

DEAN FINALLY WINS SOMETHING

2005-02-14T21:08:00.000-05:00

Editorial - By Stockton

Dean has captured the Democratic National Committee Chairpersonship and Deaniacs are rejoicing. Yet, rarely is the question asked, "Is this good for the party?"

I say YES! No one will run a party like Dean. Some may scoff that he won't be embraced by middle America. Let them scoff. He'll do great things and he will ensure victory in both Nevada and Florida.

If you have a party, Dean is the man to run it successfully. Dean is my kind of Democrat, a perfect addition to the Kennedy-Clinton Party.

New DNC Chief with Ann Margaret

I'm also excited about the people Dean will bring with him.

The Dean Team

I'm not sure if we'll win anything, but it'll be the only real party in town.

No Republican is goingto be able to compete withDean

We've said it before and we'll say it again, "If this van's arockin', come on in and join the Democratic Party!" It beats hanging with Rush and Sean.

REHNQUIST BELIEVED TO BE ADULT FILM STAR

2005-02-10T21:08:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

According to a recent poll, most Americans believe Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, William Rehnquist was Deep Throat.

The poll result came as a surprise. "In recent years, most people chose Linda Lovelace as Deep Throat," said Scott Hill, the poll director. "So, Bill Rehnquist was a bit of a surprise."

Chief Justice Rehnquistin 1973

And today...
Rehnquist's role in the 1970's cult-porn-classic prompted Justice Potter Stewart's most famous quote: "I can't define Rehnquist, but I know him when I see him."

The poll also found that a majority of those questioned believed Antonin Scalia was Rehnquist's co-star, Harry Reems.

STATE'S RIGHTS PARTY - AT IT AGAIN

2005-02-10T20:10:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

The party of State's Rights and 'local control' has struck once again.

Senate OKs Limit on Class Action Lawsuits

By JESSE J. HOLLAND, Associated Press Writer

WASHINGTON - The Senate approved a measure Thursday to help shield businesses from major class action lawsuits like the ones that have been brought against tobacco companies, giving President Bush the first legislative victory of his second term.

Under the legislation, long sought by big business, large multistate class action lawsuits could no longer be heard in small state courts. Such courts have handed out multimillion-dollar verdicts.

Instead, the cases would be heard by federal judges, who have not proven as open to those type of lawsuits.

"The people have a right to have their class actions heard in big, robust Federal Courts," said Orrin Hatch (R-Utah). "Right now, most are heard in teenie-weenie state courts. It's just to crowded for all the class members. We just want them to be comfortable."

Traditionally, the seating arrangements are much more comfortable in Federal Court than in state court. "Also," added Rick Santorum (R-PA), "the bathrooms are much cleaner."

HERE CUM DA JUDGE

2005-02-09T20:21:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Not much to add here.

Judge's Career Ended by Claims of On-Bench Masturbation

Jurors and others in Judge Donald Thompson's courtroom kept hearing a strange whooshing noise, like a bicycle pump or maybe a blood pressure cuff. During one trial, Thompson seemed so distracted that some jurors thought he was playing a handheld video game or tying fly-fishing lures behind the bench.
The explanation, investigators say, is even stranger than some imagined: The judge had a habit of masturbating with a penis pump under his robe during trials.

The lurid allegations have brought an embarrassing end to a solid career and shocked many of his colleagues. The case could also lead to a wave of appeals from defendants claiming that the judge was not paying attention while presiding over their cases.

Thompson, a 58-year-old married father of three grown children, has denied the allegations, and he said the pump was just a gag gift received from a friend on his 50th birthday. He retired in August after being threatened with removal but now faces indecent-exposure charges brought against him last month.

"We're certainly saddened by the thought that the prosecutor filed charges," said Clark Brewster, Thompson's attorney. "We thought all this was dealt with when he resigned. We didn't feel like anything that was alleged rose to the level of criminal charges."

The trials during which he allegedly used the pump included murder cases as well as a libel suit.

Oklahoma Attorney General Drew Edmondson, who filed the paperwork to remove Thompson from the bench, said he would be surprised if the scandal did not lead to appeals. "I don't know if they will be successful. They will still have to show actual prejudice to the point that something was done in error," he said.

Police built a case against the judge after a police officer testified during a 2003 murder trial. From the witness stand, the officer saw a piece of plastic tubing disappear under Thompson's robe. During a lunch break, officers took photographs of the pump under the desk.

Investigators later collected carpet samples, Thompson's robes and the chair from behind the bench and found semen, according to court records.
Thompson's court reporter, Lisa Foster, told authorities that she saw him use the pump at least 10 times during trials. She told The Associated Press that the first time in court was in 2000, but she said nothing at the time for fear of retaliation.

Foster told authorities she saw Thompson use the device almost daily during the August 2003 murder trial of Kevin Vomberg, a man accused of shaking a toddler to death. The case ended in a hung jury. The whooshing sound could be heard on Foster's audiotape of the trial.

When jurors at the trial asked the judge about the sound, Thompson said he hadn't heard it, but would listen for it.

"I always thought he was an excellent trial judge," said Don I. Nelson, a prosecutor who tried more than 40 cases before Thompson, including a murder trial during which authorities say Thompson used the pump. "I was completely shocked and couldn't believe it."

Copyright 2005 Associated Press. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

BUSH PLEADS IGNORANT ON STEROID PROBLEM

2005-02-08T19:47:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

White House: Bush Unaware of Steroid Abuse
Mon Feb 7, 2005

WASHINGTON - President Bush was not aware of any steroid use by Texas Rangers players while he was a team executive, the White House said Monday.

In his upcoming book, Jose Canseco said he introduced Rafael Palmeiro, Ivan Rodriguez and Juan Gonzalez to steroids after being traded to Texas in 1992, the New York Daily News reported. Canseco said Bush, the Rangers' managing partner at the time, must have known about the drugs.

White House press secretary Scott McClellan said he spoke to Bush about alleged steroid use.

"If there was, he was not aware of it at the time," McClellan said.

McClellan went on to say that: "The President received constant reports about player behavior while he was Managing Partner of the Texas Rangers. Steroid use was not mentioned in those reports. This was an intelligence failure. Everyone believed the Rangers were steroid-free. France believed it, Germany believed. Even Senator Kerry."

McClellan went on to say that President Bush did witness needle use while visiting the clubhouse on numerous occasions. However, "Pudge Rodriguez told me that the fellas just had a bout of 24-hour diabetes."

Bush evades questions on steroidsand instead asks reporters to "pullmy finger."

BUSH PLAN BEGINS TO BEAR FRUIT

2005-02-05T19:17:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

President Bush's ambitious crusade to transform the Middle-East into American-style democracies is seeing its first glimmer of success.

Text Voting Banned in Reality TV Show
Tue Jan 11, 2005

RIYADH (Reuters) - Saudi Arabia's main mobile phone operator has banned its customers from voting by text message in a hit reality television show because it fails to "match the values" of the conservative Muslim kingdom.

State-owned Saudi Telecommunications Company (STC) said Tuesday it had blocked its 9.5 million mobile phone customers from texting votes for their favorite musical contestants on satellite show Star Academy 2.

"We feel the program does not match the values of the Saudi culture," said spokesman Saad Dhafer. "Our social and economic market research shows that our customers want us to operate in line with these values."

"We see it as a huge step forward," said White House mouthpiece, Scott McClellan. "When corporations can deny people the right to use what they've purchased, especially to uphold moral standards, we know Saudi Arabia is moving forward."

James Dobson, founder and Grand High Cleric of Focus on the Family, hopes the United States will use Saudi Arabia as a model for what is possible. "They're still going to fry in hell," said Dobson. "After all, they're non-believers. But, they have the right idea. If only more Americans were brave enough to let me, and others like me, decide what should be seen, heard and published. Then the dream would be fulfilled."

The television show, "Guess Who Cheated on their Husband and is About to be Put to Death" is the keystone in STC's Thursday Night "Must Jihad TV" lineup.

MOVIN' ON UP!

2005-02-02T21:02:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Hispanics are crying in their Corona's today because of an upwardly mobile doll.

Hispanics Criticize American Girl Doll
Wed Feb 2, 2005

By MELANIE COFFEE, Associated Press Writer

CHICAGO - Some residents of Chicago's largely Hispanic Pilsen section are upset over a new doll in the popular American Girl series because her storyline says the Mexican-American youngster and her family left the "dangerous" neighborhood for a better life in the suburbs.

American Girl officials think the criticism is 'El Loco'. "We think this doll was very tastefully done and great care was taken to get everything right, down to the smallest detail."

Maria Concetta, comes complete with MedicaidCard and Temporary Restraining Order

Editors Note: The American Girl Book series is well done. They missed the boat here, but overall they do a commendable job.

BASEBALL, BASEBALL, BASEBALL

2005-02-01T13:18:00.000-05:00

Stockton and Tweed are please to announce the establishment of

CHURCH OF BASEBALL

Join the congregation.

Alter boys welcome.

CHENEY'S UNDISCLOSED LOCATION REVEALED

2005-01-31T21:20:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Ever since September 11, 2001, America has wondered, just where was Vice-President Cheney's undisclosed location? Was the courageous Vice-President in a hidden bunker somewhere in the Rocky Mountains? Aboard a submarine, fathoms under the Atlantic Ocean? In a Fortress of Solitude, somewhere in the Arctic?

Now, newly discovered documents answer that question. Oddly enough, it was the wrong question. It wasn't 'Where' is the undisclosed location; rather the proper question is 'What' is the undisclosed location?

Ladies and Gentlemen, Vice-President Cheney's undisclosed location.

Whether it's a terrorist attack or you justneed a good night's sleep, you'll sleep like the deadin the Quantum Sleeper - Dick Cheney

BUSTER CAUGHT IN LESBIAN ROMP

2005-01-29T21:09:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Beloved by children around the nation, Buster Bunny has been caught in a lesbian romp in of all places, Vermont.

PBS rebuked for cartoon's gay theme
By Ben FellerAssociated Press Published January 26, 2005

WASHINGTON -- The nation's new education secretary denounced PBS on Tuesday for spending public money on a cartoon with lesbian characters, saying many parents would not want children exposed to such lifestyles.The not-yet-aired episode of "Postcards From Buster" shows the title character, an animated bunny named Buster, on a trip to Vermont, a state that recognizes same-sex civil unions. The episode features two lesbian couples, although the focus is on farm life and maple sugaring.

A PBS spokeswoman, Lea Sloan, said late Tuesday that the non-profit network has decided not to distribute the episode, called "Sugartime!," to its 349 stations. She said the Education Department's objections were not a factor in that decision."Ultimately, our decision was based on the fact that we recognize this is a sensitive issue, and we wanted to make sure that parents had an opportunity to introduce this subject to their children in their own time," said Sloan.WGBH, the Boston public television station that produces the show, plans to make the "Sugartime!" episode available to other stations, and will air the episode on March 23, she said.

Education Secretary Margaret Spellings said the "Sugartime!" episode does not fulfill the intent Congress had in mind for programming. By law, she said, any funded shows must give top attention to "research-based educational objectives, content and materials.""Many parents would not want their young children exposed to the lifestyles portrayed in the episode,"

Spellings asked PBS to consider refunding the money it spent on the episode.The department has awarded nearly $99 million to PBS through the program over the last five years in a contract that expires in September, said department spokesman Susan Aspey. That money went to the production of "Postcards From Buster" and another animated children's show, and to promotion of those shows in local communities, she said.The show about Buster gets funding from other sources.In the show, Buster carries a digital video camera and explores regions, activities and people of different backgrounds and religions.

"It's down right disturbin'," said Milt Washburn, of Little Rock, Arkansas. "Sugartime? I'll bet it's sugartime. I don't know what the kids mean when they say 'tapping the maple sugar' but I gots a gosh darn good idea."

Ralph Boone, of Hannibal Missouri, agrees. "I understand two hot chicks, but throwing in a bunny? That's just plain sick."

Buster is no stranger to controversy. He was caught on film, in a hotel, while attending the 2000 Democratic Convention.

Buster and unnamed Teddy Bear at 2000 Democratic Convention

There's more about Buster's degenerate lifestyle here. But be forwarned. It's not pretty.

THOSE CRAZY 'DO-IT-YOURSELFERS'

2005-01-27T21:01:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Ever since Bob Vila and This Old House, the do-it-yourself craze has been sweeping the nation. People renovate their own homes, sell their own homes and managing their own stock portfolios. Now, the Do-It-Yourself craze has gone to the next level:

Nevada Man Castrates Himself to Lower Libido
Thu Jan 20, 2005

RENO, Nev. - A 50-year-old Reno man who was hospitalized after he castrated himself told police he learned of the procedure on the Internet and did so to lower his libido. The man, whose name was not released, called 911 at about 1:30 a.m. Monday and asked for help because he could not stop the bleeding from a self-castration operation, police said.

Reno police and medics responded to the man's home and he was taken by ambulance to the hospital.

"The man obviously needs some sort of counseling," Reno police Lt. Ron Donnelly told the Reno Gazette-Journal.

"It's not as easy as it looks," cautions Leonard McBall, author of 'Castration for Dummies'. It takes a real steady hand. It's not for everybody. That 50-year old Nevada man was very lucky."
Lieutenant Donnelly, for privacy reasons, refused to release the name of the man. "It would be a real breach of confidentiality if I said anything more than the self-castrator was a 50-year old man that lives in Alvarado Street, Reno, Nevada. His first name rhymes Barlie and his last name rhymes with Ilson or that he works at the cutlery store on Chester Street. That would be wrong of me."

The 50-year old man declined comment except to say, "It's one less place I have to scratch."

GAYBRAHAM LINCOLN

2005-01-26T20:22:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Psychologist, therapist and former Kinsey sex researcher Trippauthor of the 1975 classic The Homosexual Matrixdied in May 2003 at the age of 83, just after completing this riveting new study that makes a surprisingly compelling case for Lincoln's bisexuality. Tripp merges a sexual psychologist's knowledge with a prosecutor's eye for evidence as he scrutinizes letters, diaries and oral histories gathered by early Lincoln researchers. Seeing what others either could not or would not, Tripp itemizes in telling detail three homosexual liaisons from different stages of Lincoln's life. The first involved young Billy Green, a frequent bunk mate in New Salem during the 1830s. The second was a passionate union with the aristocratic Kentuckian, and Lincoln's lifelong friend, Joshua Speed in Springfield, Ill., during the 1840s (Tripp notes, refuting others' arguments, that poverty did not necessitate their long-term sharing of a bed). The last involved Capt. David V. Derickson, President Lincoln's bodyguard and intimate companion between September 1862 and April 1863; it is documented that the president shared his bed with him on numerous occasions during Mary Lincoln's frequent absences.

Here's and excerpt:

"As the War of Unprovoked Northern Aggression waged on, Secretary of State Seward could see the toll it took on his friend Lincoln. He moved behind the seated President and placed his hands on Abe's shoulders.

"You are so tense," said Seward, as he rubbed Lincoln's shoulders. How about a nice warm bath and a massage."

"That be nice," replied the President, "but I'm working on this proclamation...oh...yes...right there. You have fabulous hands, Mr. Secretary."

"Thank you Abe."

Slowly, Seward worked his way down...."

Personally, I could care less if Lincoln was gay, bi-sexual or straight. Still, wouldn't it be ironic if the South was whipped by a gay man?

One last piece of circumstantial evidence pointing to Lincoln's alleged homosexuality:

Mary Todd Lincoln

IT'S JUST SO SAD

2005-01-24T18:19:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Braveheart Becomes Role Model for Christian Men
Sat Jan 22, 2005

By Nigel Hunt
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Movies like "Braveheart" and "Legends of the Fall" are on the viewing list for men in a growing Christian movement that calls for them to throw off their "nice guy" personas and emulate warriors.

The book which inspired the movement, John Eldredge's "Wild at Heart," has already sold 1.5 million copies in English and been translated into 16 languages, most recently Korean.
Eldredge believes many Christian men have become bored, "really nice guys" and invites them to rediscover passion by viewing their life's mission as having a battle to fight, an adventure to live and a beauty to rescue.

And if that's not enough:

Jim Chase, an advertising copywriter from La Crescenta, California, has had a replica of the sword actor Mel Gibson used when he played legendary Scottish warrior William Wallace in "Braveheart" hanging above his desk since attending a Wild at Heart retreat with 350 other men last year. "It is just a reminder that we are in a battle every day. It can be just facing boredom and routine, but it is a battle," Chase said.

It has not all been positive for Chase. "Initially, I got some pretty strange looks at work," said the 34 year-old virgin. "I think it was the kilt that threw them. It's very liberating."

"It's just fucked-up," says Chase's co-worker, Natalie DeWine. "Every time you try and tell him something he just shouts, 'Freedom!'. No one will even go to lunch with him anymore. He's always bringing hagus and it smells so fucking bad. Fucking loser."

Anson Potter, a behavioral specialist at New York University says it may be dangerous to base your life on a movie character. "Movies aren't reality. I'd bet that Mr. Chase has never even read a book about the real William Wallace. He's essentially basing his life on a Hollywood character, not an actual historical personage."

If you must base your life on a Hollywood character, Potter suggests taking a long look at what's out there before making your decision.

Bad Vernacular would like to make some suggestions for those who choose to go this route. There are many good Hollywood characters and here are just a few:

Best of all, no kilts.

WEEKEND NEWS WRAP-UP

2005-01-23T17:20:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Nixon Secretary Rose Mary Woods, 87, Dies

By MARK WILLIAMS, Associated Press Writer

COLUMBUS, Ohio - Rose Mary Woods, the devoted secretary to President Nixon who said she inadvertently erased part of a crucial Watergate tape, has died. She was 87.

Woods died Saturday night at a nursing home in Alliance, Roger Ruzek, owner of a funeral home in Sebring, said Sunday. He did not know the cause of death.

Woods began dying at 11:00 A:M on Saturday, January 22, 2004. Then, mysteriously stopped dying for eighteen and 1/2 minutes before finally expiring.

Nevada Judge Throws Out Anti-Lap-Dance Law

LAS VEGAS - A Las Vegas law prohibiting strippers from fondling customers during lap dances is unconstitutionally vague, a judge ruled. District Court Judge Sally Loehrer affirmed a lower court ruling that as many as five misdemeanor criminal cases filed against Las Vegas strippers should be dismissed.

Friday's ruling affects only dancers within city limits. The Clark County Commission in 2002 limited touching between strippers and patrons during private lap dances, specifically barring strippers from touching or sitting on the customer's genital area.

Maybe we will get our America back.

NO PAPER TRAIL WORRIES IRAQI'S

2005-01-22T07:11:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

In addition to long lines and an as-yet untried electoral process, the lack of any paper trail worries many Iraqi voters as they head to the polls.

"How are they going to know?" asked Tariq Ibrahim. "How will my family identify my body if I'm blown up?"

Many Iraqi's are improvising, sewing their name into their underwear or making out their own toe-tags. "I've done both," said Khamil Barzi. "I want people to know it was my corpse that voted for some anonymous candidate who has no platform and gives no speeches."

The entire anonymous slate of candidates is urging Iraqi's to be brave and to put Iraqi-style Democracy over their own petty concerns for safety.

"We need voters almost as much as we need candidates," said Candidate 12-B2, from the -----Party. "Iraqi's will have to step up to the hazik and take a cuneo at the jakil. You don't see me running scared!"

Candidate 12-B2 and his runningmate urge Iraqi's to get out to the qariffsand vote

Iraqi electoral officials had planned on manning each polling station with a "corpse-identifier". Those workers have all been killed.

SWIFT BOAT COMMANDER UNDER ATTACK

2005-01-20T20:30:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

A former leader of Swift Boat Commanders for Bush is now under attack from the executive branch of the Republican Party.

"Does anybody here know SpongeBob?" Dr. James C. Dobson, the founder of Focus on the Family, asked the guests Tuesday night at a black-tie dinner for members of Congress and political allies to celebrate the election results.

SpongeBob needed no introduction. In addition to his popularity among children, who watch his cartoon show, he has become a well-known camp figure among adult gay men, perhaps because he holds hands with his animated sidekick Patrick and likes to watch the imaginary television show "The Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy."

Now, Dr. Dobson said, SpongeBob's creators had enlisted him in a "pro-homosexual video," in which he appeared alongside children's television colleagues like Barney and Jimmy Neutron, among many others. The makers of the video, he said, planned to mail it to thousands of elementary schools to promote a "tolerance pledge" that includes tolerance for differences of "sexual identity."

Commander Bob could not be reached for comment but was captured in this candid, unguarded moment.

Commander Bob reacts to Dobson's comments

Sponge Bob isn't the only fictional character under attack. Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum may hold hearing regarding the exact relationship between two other beloved figures:

"Just what is the nature of their relationship?" WondersSantorum. "We'd all like to know."

GEORGIA RULING EVOLVES INTO APPEAL

2005-01-18T21:50:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Ga. Schools to Appeal Evolution Ruling
Tue Jan 18, 2005

MARIETTA, Ga. - Members of a suburban district's school board plan to challenge a federal judge's order to remove stickers in science textbooks that call evolution "a theory, not a fact."

In a 5-2 vote, the Cobb County school board decided to appeal last week's ruling. Board members said U.S. District Judge Clarence Cooper's order to remove the stickers immediately "amounts to unnecessary judicial intrusion into local control of schools," according to a statement.

The school district just north of Atlanta approved the stickers after more than 2,000 parents complained the textbooks presented evolution as fact, without mentioning rival ideas about the beginnings of life.

During four days of testimony in federal court last November, the school system defended the warning stickers as a show of tolerance, not religious activism. Its attorneys argued the board had made a good-faith effort to address questions that inevitably arise during the teaching of evolution.

The decision to appeal surprised Jeffrey Selman, who led parents in a lawsuit to remove the stickers.

"They're ludicrous," Selman said of the school board. "They're ignoring the ruling."

The disclaimers read: "This textbook contains material on evolution. Evolution is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of living things. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully and critically considered."

But that's not all. The Georgia Courts will likely have their dockets full this year. Another group wants a similar sticker regarding gravity. "After all, it's just a theory," said Wayne Ruslander, President of the Anti-Gravity League.

Additionally, The Post-Enlightenment Club has proposed another, less controversial sticker.

"Georgia's Public Education system attempts to teach. Georgia's Public Education system is a theory, not a fact. The Georgia Public Education system should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully and critically considered."

There has also been talk about impeachment proceedings against Judge Clarence Cooper. Impeachment of a Georgia judge is a complicated process. The judge is bound and tossed into a vat of water. If he floats, he will not be impeached. If he sinks, a court vacancy has been created.

DON'T ASK, DON'T DETONATE

2005-01-16T18:18:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

In a breaking news story, the Pentagon refused to develop a weapon that could have had disastrous consequences.

U.S. National - Reuters

Pentagon Spurned Plan to Initiate Enemy Homosexuality

By Jim Wolf

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The U.S. military rejected a 1994 proposal to develop an "aphrodisiac" to spur homosexual activity among enemy troops but is hard at work on other less-than-lethal weapons, defense officials said on Sunday.

The idea of fostering homosexuality among the enemy figured in a declassified six-year, $7.5 million request from a laboratory at Wright Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio for funding of non-lethal chemical weapon research.

The proposal, disclosed in response to a Freedom of Information request, called for developing chemicals affecting human behavior "so that discipline and morale in enemy units is adversely affected."

More alarming is the fact that the Pentagon actually tested the "Gay Bomb" on American forces stationed in Saudi Arabia in July of 2001. Like the 1950's LSD trials that used American servicemen as guinea pigs, an American bomber dropped the "Gay Bomb" one half mile from encamped Americans. The result, described here in a recently declassified transcript, is not for the weak.

Pilot: Echo 2, Liberace has been released. Repeat, Liberace has been released.

Ground Control: Echo 1, can you see any effects?

Pilot: Too cloudy, my visibility is....Oh My God!

GC: Yes? What do you see?

Pilot: Oh, the humanity. My God, that private is.....b--------g his Captain. I can't watch this.

GC: Steady Major. Get a grip on yourself. Just describe...

Pilot: No! They're redecorating. That guy is looking at curtains. No. Wait. I'm picking something up. It sounds like....

GC: What is it, Major?

Pilot: Music, Sir. It's....it's...Judy Garland. Oh, you bastards.

According to the report, the bomb was unacceptable due to morale problems its presence might have caused among the other bombs. "You can't have all the bombs wondering if two or three other bombs might be sexually attracted to them. It's bad for morale and it could effect how and when armaments detonate," said one Pentagon spokesman.

A lawyer for the Lambda Legal Defense Fund disagrees. "That's nonsense. They said the same thing when we developed black bombs. Gay bombs have been serving in our military since the American Revolution. They have exploded with distinction and honor."

Some speculate that a proto-type 'Gay Bomb" was detonated over Provincetown, Massachusetts in the early 1940's.

THANKS

2005-01-16T15:29:00.000-05:00

The Editors of Bad Vernacular want to thank everyone that has linked to BV or mentioned BV in a post (or both). We've been up and running for two weeks now and things are going well. According to our site meter, over 7 people have visited. Also, there have been no law suits or restraining orders. That's what we call success.

So, here's some payback.

First, Steve over at Distance. He's always been a big advocate of our body of work. He does good things at Distance: a serious review of how to renew the Democratic Party and great work on the Jaw-Juh scene also.

Then, there's Jen at Good Intentions. She's smart, funny and we would marry her if she wasn't so uppity and opinionated. Also, did you know she looks like Kate Beckinsale, but with Jennifer Garner's hair?

Rusty, the Radical Georgia Moderate. He's always got a wise-ass comment or two on anything the Bushies try to pull. We also believe he may have been in Romania as little as nine months ago.

For great writing at a quality blog, you can always count on The Tally Ho!

If harsh critiques of the current Junta are more your fare, Damfa is a good place to start.

Mae at Politics 101 will keep you up to speed on the Georgia scene with sharp, witty comments. She actually looks like Jennifer Garner with Kate Beckinsale's hair. Ironic, huh?

Justin, at Blog-Underground does great work promoting the 'small' but quality blogs.

Mark, at Dispassionate Liberal, has a good blog and does great work on the Bush tort reform plans, or as we like to say, No Corporation Left Behind. The Dems should take notice of how Mark has framed the tort reform issue.

Ricky is still on top of things over at Timshel. That's some good, Cajun blogging he got going on. And the folks at Blue Grass Roots, thanks for your support and boy, you really attract some wingnuts. You must be doing something right.

Then there's Elwood at Windy City Blues. Nice to find another Blue Stater around these parts.

Also, the American Street. We weren't familiar with that site until they mentioned us in a post. We highly recommend you check them out.

Finally, thanks go out to Garrett at Sparkgrass and to Iskra for linking to us.

There's some real good writing and observations going on at the smaller blogs and those named above deserve greater attention. The big blogs (Atrios, Kos) are fine. But some of the better writing and ideas are coming from out of the way corners of the blogosphere.

That's it for the ass kissing. Time to get back and hammer Bush and the wingnuts.

SAVAGING THE RED

2005-01-13T20:20:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Once again it's time to do a fair but savage Red State/Blue State comparison just filled with biased facts.

As everyone in the mainstream media to the blogosphere knows, Red States (or flyover country) comprise the real America. Red States are filled with hardworking, church-going, salt of the earth, patriotic family-values citizens. Red is the heart of America.

Blue States are filled with socialist,welfare grabbing, libertines that hate America. The coasts are bookends and Real America is in the middle.

So now we visit our good friends, Mississippi (the Reddest of Red) and Massachusetts (the Bluest of Blue).

As you might remember, months before DailyKos mentioned the fact that Mississippi has twice the divorce rate of Massachusetts, that fact was posted at LB in '04. Here again are some more of those pesky, biased, facts.

Teen Births per 1,000

Mississippi - 64.7
Massachusetts - 23.4
National - 43

Gonorrhea Cases per 100,000

Mississippi - Males 194.7 Females 285.6
Massachusetts - Males 54.4 Females 48.0

Births Financed by Medicaid

Mississippi - 53.7%
Massachusetts - 24.2%

And that's one to grow on!

These biased facts, and more, can be found here.

Fun Facts About Mississippi

Despite the above, Mississippi does lead the nation in many positive categories:

States with the letter 'S' in the name - #1;
States with the letter 'P' in the name - #1;
States whose abbreviation is the same as Multiple Sclerosis - #1;
State with the most patriotic, church-going, gonorrhea infected people who use Medicaid to have kids - #1.

ANOTHER PAYOLA SCANDAL

2005-01-12T19:49:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

In a recent interview with the Washington Times, President Bush declared that he doesn't:

"see how you can be president without a relationship with the Lord."

Bad Vernacular has recently learned that The United States Department of Education has paid the Lord $240,000 for that relationship. The Lord has denied any wrongdoing. "It's something I believe in and would have done anyway."

Critics claim the monetary exchange is unethical, especially since the Lord has not disclosed the payment to his believers. "I told Allah, Jehovah and Kali about the money when I urged them to meet with George," said the Lord. "I'm not sure if I told anyone else."

Despite claims of a close, personal relationship, sources close to the President say the two meet only occasionally. "Usually it's after a coke or bourbon bender," said one anonymous White House source. "Then George is like, 'I have to find God again'. It's kind of pathetic."

The White House denies any close ties between the President and the Education Department. "I didn't even know we had one of them," said the President.

The Lord has refused to return the money.

The President, demonstrating his relationship with the Lord

BUSH SKIPS ON BILL

2005-01-11T20:21:00.000-05:00

By Tweed

By Spencer S. Hsu
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, January 11, 2005; Page A01

D.C. officials said yesterday that the Bush administration is refusing to reimburse the District for most of the costs associated with next week's inauguration, breaking with precedent and forcing the city to divert $11.9 million from homeland security projects.

Federal officials have told the District that it should cover the expenses by using some of the $240 million in federal homeland security grants it has received in the past three years -- money awarded to the city because it is among the places at highest risk of a terrorist attack.

Arthur Shingold, a Washington DC attorney with the law firm of Arnold and Porter, witnessed the event which occurred at Equinox, a local Washington DC restaurant.

"I saw the President and Andrew Card at the table next to mine with Mayor Williams," said Shingold. "I heard what they were talking about, and things didn't sound like they were going well. Bush had the appropriation bill for the extra $11.9M, and he was shaking it at Williams' face, and called him 'Bow-Tie-Boy.' I don't think Williams liked that."

Shortly after the heated discussion Andrew Card excused himself to use the rest room. "Then," Shingold said, "Bush got up to stretch out his legs - he said that he'd jogged that morning and felt a cramp coming on. He stretched a little, then - out of the blue - bolted for the door, leaving the Mayor with the bill for the President's game hen, Card's steak, their surf and turf appetizer and the appropriations bill."

Card and Bush As Card Excuses Himself and Shortly
Before Bush Bolted for the Door

Card never returned to the table, and was later seen walking down 16th Street toward the White House with a combination of parsley, bread crumbs and silantro on his shoes.

A spokesman for the President neither confirmed nor denied Shingold's story, but did insist that the President left the tip.

Other diners were surprised at the activity. Williams waited for a few minutes and then settled the restaurant bill.

Mayor Williams Posing With Equinox Staff
After Finishing His Shift Washing Dishes

Williams plans on taking public safety courses in the coming weeks to prepare for the innauguration.

FLORIDA ORPHANS CHEER

2005-01-11T19:59:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Supreme Court Sidesteps Gay Adoption Case
Mon Jan 10, 2005

By GINA HOLLAND, Associated Press Writer

WASHINGTON - The Supreme Court steered clear of a dispute over gay adoptions on Monday, energizing conservatives who want other states to copy Florida's one-of-a-kind ban on gays adopting children.

In refusing to review the law, justices averted a second showdown over gay rights in two years. The court barred states in 2003 from criminalizing gay sex, a decision that brought strong criticism from conservative and religious groups.

Monday's action indicates the court is finished for now with the delicate subject.
Conservative groups, whose recent focus has been on blocking gay marriages, cheered the decision.

It "sends a huge message that the court is not going to be open to a broad-based homosexual agenda," said Mathew Staver, president of the Liberty Counsel in Orlando, Fla. Other states, he said, should start considering similar laws.

"I don't care how long I have to wait for a mother and father," declared six-year old Ephraim Wilson, one of Florida's 8,000 children awaiting adoption by a straight couple. "I'd rather be in a state facility than be 'homodopted'. Besides, Uncle Jeb stops by every four years, usually in late October or early November."

The law ('Anita's Law') was passed in the late 1970's at the height of Anita Bryant's Hate Crusade against homosexuals. Governor Bush agrees with the law. "That's the ideal. Children do best when they have a mom and dad," said Bush, father of a drug addicted daughter that he raised with his wife. "I don't care how long those children have to wait. Fifteen, eighteen years. They're going to have a mother and father."

"It may be a hard knock life, but thatbeats being adopted by fags!" - L. O. Annie

NEW CAUSE OF ACTION

2005-01-11T19:36:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

NBC's 'Fear Factor' Sued for Rat-Eating Episode
Thu Jan 6, 2005

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Watching contestants eat dead rats on NBC's gross-out stunt show "Fear Factor" so disgusted a Cleveland man that he has sued NBC for $2.5 million, saying he could not stomach what he saw.

In a handwritten four-page lawsuit filed in federal court in Cleveland on Tuesday, paralegal Austin Aitken said, "To have the individuals on the show eat (yes) and drink dead rats was crazy and from a viewer's point of view made me throw-up as well an another in the house at the same time."

His suit added, "NBC is sending the wrong message to its TV watchers that cash can make or have people do just about anything beyond reasoning (sic) and in most cases against their will."
He said the show caused his blood pressure to rise so high that he became dizzy and light-headed, and when he ran away to his room, he bumped his head into the doorway.

In a brief telephone interview with Reuters, Aitken said, "I am not at liberty to discuss the complaint unless it is a paid-interview situation."

Aitken's suit has caused television manufacturers to invest a greater percentage of their profits into new research and development programs. "We're very excited about a new development that's just months away," said Sony spokesman John Chui. "It's a device that allows a viewer to change the channel even when they're not near the television. It should be available in just a few short months. A year at the most."

The lawsuit has also sent shockwaves through the television industry, causing many to brace for an onslaught of new lawsuits. Producers of such shows as The 700 Club and Who's My Daddy are particularly concerned about lawsuits. Even television series seen only in syndication are paying attention. "What's the Statute of Limitations on these cases," wonders Rod Hall, producer of 'Joni Loves Chachi. Is that dog going to haunt me until I die?"

BAD VERNACULAR QUIZ

Match the television show with its medically verified side-effects.*

1. Joni Loves Chachi
2. My Two Dads
3. The 700 Club
4. Blossom
5. Manimal
6. Planet of the Apes
7. The Love Boat
8. Mr. Belvedere
9. The Dukes of Hazard
10. Chico and the Man

a. Anal Leakage
b. Chronic Anal Leakage
c. Juicy Anal Leakage
d. Cold Sores
e. Goiters
f. Halitosis
g. Irritable Bowel Syndrome and Anal Leakage
h. Munchhausens (without Anal Leakage)
i. Priapism
j. Cooties

* Answers
1. d 2. f 3. a, b & c 4. h 5. e 6. i & a 7. i & b 8. j 9. g & f 10. j

BREAD & CIRCUS'

2005-01-10T08:39:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Porn Business Driving DVD Technology
Sun Jan 9, 2005

By Ben Berkowitz
LAS VEGAS (Reuters) - As goes pornography, so goes technology. The concept may seem odd, but history has proven the adult entertainment industry to be one of the key drivers of any new technology in home entertainment. Pornography customers have been some of the first to buy home video machines, DVD players and subscribe to high-speed Internet.

One of the next big issues in which pornographers could play a deciding role is the future of high-definition DVDs. The multi-billion-dollar industry releases about 11,000 titles on DVD each year, giving it tremendous power to sway the battle between two groups of studios and technology companies competing to set standards for the next generation.

"It's not as odd as it sounds," said technology historian, Max Venable. "The adult entertainment industry was also the driving force behind the space race. The Russians and Americans wanted a safe, private place to watch porn. They decided that their spouses and children couldn't walk in on them in orbit. Why do you think they stay up in that space station for months at a time? Wake up."

NASA had no comment, but a Freedom of Information Request did reveal that over 67% of all NASA expenditures were invoices paid to Vito's Whack Shack, in Colombus, Ohio.

PRISON FOLLIES

2005-01-09T08:58:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Stewart Loses Contest in Prison
Fri Dec 31, 2004

NEW YORK - Martha Stewart, who built a billion-dollar media empire based on her holiday and home decorating tips, was unable to lead her team to victory in a prison decoration contest, a magazine reported.

Stewart and a team of fellow inmates at a federal prison camp in Alderson, W.Va., crafted paper cranes to be hung from the ceiling, People magazine reported in an article posted on its Web site Wednesday. They lost out to a competing team that built a nativity scene showing "pictures of snow-covered hills and sleds and clouds on the wall," the magazine quoted an inmate as saying.

According to the Prison Newspaper, Pen Life, the theme of the contest was "Peace on Earth". Stewart's teammate, Chantilly Jackson, was upset at the 'Crane' theme chosen by Stewart. "I don't know what the fuck cranes have to do with Christmas," said Jackson. "I told that bitch we should do doves. But no! Ms. 'I had my own t.v. show' was all like, it's doves or you're getting a shiv between your shoulder blades while you're sleeping. Girlfriend is crazy."

Stewart broods over loss

Sing Sing Prison Could Become NY Tourist Draw
Tue Jan 4, 2005

By Ellen Wulfhorst

NEW YORK (Reuters) - One of America's most notorious prisons, Sing Sing, could do more than lock up dangerous criminals, local officials say.

The institution that saw the execution of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg as spies could become a lucrative tourist attraction, according to Westchester County, N.Y., officials.

Local officials are asking the state's help in funding the start-up of a museum in the prison's old power house, which would be connected by tunnel to an original cell block no longer in use, said Westchester County Planning Commissioner Jerry Mulligan on Monday.

If the museum is a success, the county plans on adding a Cell Block Bed & Breakfast where a 'Hard Labor Sodomy Weekend' could go for as much as $2,000.

GONZALES TRANSCRIPT

2005-01-06T16:46:00.000-05:00

*A BAD VERNACULAR EXCLUSIVE*

The Intrepid Tweed was able to sneak into the Senate confirmation hearing on the Alberto Gonzales nomination for Attorney General, disguised as a Senator's staff assistant,

(Tweed as a hot Staff Ass.)

and brings you this actual, real live transcript of the Alberto Gonzales hearing:

Senator Specter: Welcome Mr. Gonzales. Let me begin by asking you, Mr. Gonzales, do you support torture?

Gonzales: No, Senator.

Specter: Not even a little?

Gonzales: Well, look - it's not like I'm an extremist or anything.

Senator Leahy: Mr. Gonzales, do you or do you not think that placing electroids on people's genitalia is not torture?

Gonzales: I'm sorry, I was looking at that staff assistant, can you repeat the question?

Senator Leahy: Yes I can . . .

Senator Santorum: Objection! How many times does he have to answer your question, Senator?

Senator Leahy: But I . . .

Santorum: This is madness! Just like Man-Dog sex, which Mr. Gonzales opposes. I hope the people of New Hampshire are watching this!

Senator Kennedy: Now, ah, Mr. Gonzales, you can do this panel, ah, and me, a great favor, ah, by getting that intern's telephone number.

Gonzales: Excuse me Miss, may I have your telephone number for the Senator?

Tweed: You should know that I don't. . . you know, on the first date.

Leahy: You said you don't approve of torture. But what about what went on at Abu Graib?

Gonzales: Well you know, some of it was beyond what we needed, but some was OK - they probably enjoyed some of it. One man's torture is another man's foreplay.

Leahy: Like what? What was OK?

Gonzales: Well, back when I was growing up as a poor, young Mexican American with hope in my eyes, opportunity in front of me and freedom on the march, we used to make naked human pyramids all the time. And my Daddy would hire a gringo to point and laugh at us.

Leahy: What?

Gonzales: Yeah, and when we were very good, we'd get our testicles hooked up to our back-up generator. Oh how I long for those simple care-free days. I remember working at Taco Bell...

Biden: Mr. Gonzales, I bring your attention to White House Memorandum #12-2/33 entitled "Torture....I Don't See Any Torture?" Is that your signature?

Gonzales: My name...Jose Jimenez...

Biden: Oh, for God's Sake.

Santorum: I believe Mr. Jimenez has answered your question.

Biden: His name isn't...

Gonzales: no habla Anglais.

Kennedy: Who's up for a drink?

INVESTMENT TIP OF THE MONTH

2005-01-06T00:20:00.000-05:00

By Financial Desk

Take out as many whole-life insurance policies on members of the Iraqi Police as possible. If done in volume, the initial expenditure in premiums will be more than off-set in frequent, daily disbursements.

TOLERANCE, TENNESSEE STYLE

2005-01-05T23:18:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Tenn. Muslims Face Resistance to Plans
Sun Dec 26, 2004

By WOODY BAIRD, Associated Press Writer

SOMERVILLE, Tenn. - Muslims planned to turn an old sod farm near Memphis into a cemetery, but angry neighbors protested, complaining the burial ground could become a staging ground for terrorists or spread disease from unembalmed bodies.

It was not the first time a group faced opposition when trying to build a cemetery or a mosque, but the dispute stood out for the clarity of its anti-Muslim rhetoric.
"We know for a fact that Muslim mosques have been used as terrorist hideouts and centers for terrorist activities," farmer John Wilson told members of a planning commission last month.

When the Town Crier announced news of the proposed Muslim cemetery, tempers flared. Farmer John and other angry villagers marched to the proposed site to put it to the torch. The local constabulary blocked their way and used magical lights, sirens and noisy 'Boom-Sticks' to disperse the crowd.

Angry peasants try to protect their village

Quick-thinking constabulary save the day

Farmer John remains steadfast. "If the Outlanders want to be able to do whatever they like, they should move to America."

QUEERS AND HEATHENS NEED NOT APPLY

2005-01-01T04:14:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

A group of Christian students at Arizona State University Law School recently organized a chapter of the Christian Legal Society. The University will not recognize the group nor offer it funding because of the group's exclusionary policies. The Christian Legal Society will not admit homosexuals or non-christians for membership.

A legal confrontation is playing out here as a student organization seeks official recognition and money from a state-run university even though the students plan to exclude non-Christians and gays.

A group of Christian students at Arizona State University's law school formed a chapter of the Christian Legal Society, a national organization that unites Christian lawyers and law students for fellowship, mutual legal support, meetings and Bible readings.

Rather than turn the other cheek, the group is seeking an activist judge in order to overturn Arizona State University's community standards against bigotry.

Based on their interpretation of biblical passages on homosexuality, members draw the groundwork to exclude practicing homosexuals from membership. The society at "ASU interprets its statement of faith to require that officers adhere to orthodox Christian beliefs, including the Bible's prohibition of sexual contact between persons of the same sex," the suit says.

"A person who engages in homosexual conduct or adheres to the viewpoint that homosexual conduct is not sinful would not be permitted to become a member or serve as an officer" of the group at Arizona State, the suit adds. It goes on to say that a person who has engaged in homosexual acts but has "repented" or people who may have homosexual inclinations but do not act on those inclinations would be eligible for membership.

The group bases much of its exclusionary policies on the prohibitions found in Leviticus. In addition to the prohibition against homosexuality ("The peeper of one man must not come into contact with the booty of another"), the group plans enforcing all the prohibitions contained in Leviticus. For example:

'When you reap the harvest of your land, do not reap to the very edges of your field or gather the gleanings of your harvest. * Do not go over your vineyard a second time or pick up the grapes that have fallen. Leave them for the poor and the alien.'

'Any Israelite or any alien living in Israel who gives any of his children to Molech must be put to death.'**

'If anyone curses his God, he will be held responsible; anyone who blasphemes the name of the LORD must be put to death.'

'Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property.'
But all creatures in the seas or streams that do not have fins and scales-whether among all the swarming things or among all the other living creatures in the water-you are to detest. And since you are to detest them, you must not eat their meat and you must detest their carcasses. Anything living in the water that does not have fins and scales is to be detestable to you. ***

Paul's Letter to the Corinthians also contains a prohibition against homosexuality. Paul's prohibition is somewhat problematic for the group. Paul, who was no fool, only prohibits male homosexuality, leaving the ladies free to experiment.

The group, which believes law suits are caused by small demons that inhabit the spleen or pancreas of a Plaintiff, has an ambitious and detailed agenda. The groups first goal is to change the V. (for Versus) in legal captions, to + (a cross). For instance, ROE V. WADE would become ROE + WADE.

* A person who has reaped to the edges of a field but has repented or has inclinations to reap to the edges of a field but has not acted on those inclinations may become a member.

** Molech could not be reached for comment.

** * This is the famous prohibition against eating shell fish. However, some Biblical scholars believe the prohibition applied only to shell fish served in certain restaurants.