Wednesday, August 10, 2005


By Stockton

This week, the Ministry of Magic announced that an investigation into interrogation techniques at Azkaban Prison has begun.

"We take all complaints seriously," said Minister of Magic, Rufus Scrimgeour. "We're dealing with a war against magical extremism and sometimes things can get intense. However, our interrogation techniques will stand up to international wizarding scrutiny."

Prisoners recently released, as well as some Azkaban guards, tell a different story.

"I was doing six months for transporting a bezor across state lines," said one prisoner. "I didn't hurt no one. Next thing I know, I got some fucking Dementor sucking my soul out! It's not right. That's something Muggles might do."

Others tell similar stories. However, Mad-Eye Moody, a retired Auror, defends the practice of dealing harshly with Death-Eaters. "We're in a war with You-Know-Who," said Moody. "We need information those prisoners possess. Would you rather have a few Death-Eaters have happiness sucked right out of them or do you want to see a mushroom cloud over Diagon Alley?"

A Ministry Magic spokesperson declined to comment except to say that Dementors were not employees of the Ministry but rather Independent Contractors.

Despite the looming scandal, Minister of Magic Rufus Scrimgeour remains focused. "Death-Eaters hate our way of life and think they can shake our resolve. They're wrong. Our resolve is firm."

The Ministry of Magic has been criticized recently when an incursion into A-Country-That-Must-Not-Be-Named uncovered only a few gallons of expired Polyjuice Potion and not Voldemort's alleged Horcruxes.

All of this comes on the heels of an attack at Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry which left one dead and numerous wounded. Percy Weasely, assistant to the Minister says, "The attack which took place at Hogwart's is a sign of how desperate the Death-Eaters have become. As the attacks grow in ferocity and as the ranks of Death-Eaters swell, we know they're more desperate than ever."

In unrelated news, the Cialis Viagrus charm has been recalled by manufacturers.

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