Wednesday, August 31, 2005

BUSH TACKLES KATRINA

By Tweed

Today President Bush, flexing presidential muscle, told Vice President Cheney that it would be really, really nice if he could see his way to cap gasoline prices.

In addition, the President noted that the relocation of refugees from the Superdome to the Astrodome would be good for major-league baseball, noting that Texas had sufficient fan support for three teams. The President also suggested that the refugees change their name to the "Oompa Loompas."


New Orleans refugees react to the announcement of their relocation to Texas

Finally, the President told the American people that the act of Katrina would not pass without retaliation and announced a bombing campaign against the city of Amsterdam.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

IRRELEVANCY TUESDAY

By Stockton

Scientists have discovered that the Earth's core may spin faster than the Earth's crust.




By RANDOLPH E. SCHMID, AP Science Writer Thu Aug 25, 2:40 PM ET
WASHINGTON - The giant iron ball at the center of the Earth appears to be spinning a bit faster than the rest of the planet.

The solid core that measures about 1,500 miles in diameter is spinning about one-quarter to one-half degree faster, per year, than the rest of the world, scientists from Columbia University's Lamont-Doherty Earth Observatory and the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign report in Friday's issue of the journal Science.

The spin of the Earth's core is an important part of the dynamo that created the planet's magnetic field, and researcher Xiaodong Song said he believes magnetic interaction is responsible for the different rates of spin.

This phenomenon is known as the "Earth's core may spin faster than the Earth's crust" effect. What does this mean for the average person walking the globe today? Says researcher Song, "Not much really. In fact nothing. It could make you a few minutes late for an appointment so give yourself a few extra minutes."

In related news:


Man Launches Ice Cream Stick Viking Ship

By TOBY STERLING, Associated Press Writer Tue Aug 16

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - A former Hollywood stunt man now living in the Netherlands launched his greatest project to date Tuesday: a 45-foot replica Viking ship made of millions of wooden ice cream sticks and more than a ton of glue.

Rob McDonald named the ship the "Mjollnir" after the hammer of the mythic Norse god of thunder, Thor. After the 13 ton boat was lifted into the water by crane, "Captain Rob," as he is known, stood calmly on the stern as a team of volunteers rowed the apparently sturdy vessel around the IJ River behind the city's central station.

"I have a dream to show children they can do anything," McDonald said before the launch. "If they can dream it, they can do it."


McDonald's father fondly recalls saying the same thing to his son, Rob. "I told the little tyke that he could do anything he wanted to do. If you can dream it, you can do it! I had no idea the asshole was going to build a ship out of popsicle sticks. What a fucking waste of time."

McDonald spent months researching Viking history before building his ship. Ice Cream sticks were not his first choice of material but after his Lincoln Log and Tinker Toy ship floundered at sea he settled on ice cream sticks.

McDonald's research revealed that a Norseman, Thror Throrsonsonson, discovered the New World in 1188 while sailing in a boat constructed of popsicle sticks.

Friday, August 26, 2005

PRESIDENT TO EXTEND VACATION

By Tweed

Bad Vernacular has learned that President Bush is extending his vacation for an additional two weeks. The president will be taking time away from replanting the brush he previously cleared to visit historic, Washington D.C., and to take a White House tour.

In addition, the President will spend time at Smithsonian Museum of Natural History, where the President hopes to be able to pet some hissing cockroaches. When asked about the trip, the President noted that he was excited to go: "They told me we'd go to Arlington cemetary, and I - you know that Texas looks far away, but Arlington's right across a river? Don't know how that is, but Roosevelt Island sure looks bigger on maps!"

But the vacation is not without controversy.

The Bush family is scheduled to be on a White House tour, which is one of Washington's most sought after attractions and usually requires bookings well in advance. How the Bushes obtained their tickets may turn into a fall scandal.

Bad Vernacular has discovered that Karl Rove placed a call to one of the tour operators, one Vince Callahan, and threatened to reveal to the press that his wife was working undercover with the CIA unless the Bushes got onto the tour. "I told Mr. Rove that there wasn't nothin' I could do," Mr. Callahan told Bad Vernacular investigators, "that I just schedule times and not bookings, and that I wasn't married, but that my sister worked as a clerk at the CVS on 14th and New York and some Pakistanis worked there too - and if that's what he meant, that I was OK with it. So then he asks if she could get some film developed for him."

The President plans to bring his mountain bike.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

BUSH SUPPORTERS PUT MONEY WHERE MOUTH IS

By Stockton

Supporters of President Bush and the Iraqi War have decided to go beyond the heroic purchase of magnetic car ribbons and have mobilized. Mobilized for what? Mobilized to protest the protesters outside of Crawford, Texas, the brush capital of America (Crawford's slogan is, "W cuts Brush so you don't have to!").

Dedicated supporters of the Iraq War have driven from all across the United States (many have driven by three, four and even five military recruitment centers) to show their support for the President's policy.

Terry Harrigan, a 19-year old college sophomore is one such supporter. "I thought long and hard about this decision," says the able-bodied conservative. "I could join up and fight in Iraq or I could go where it really matters. I support our troops, just look at my car. I have two ribbons which means I support our troops twice as much as most people. But the President needs me here."

Others have struggled with the same decision. Jim Hammond's parents begged him not to sign up for duty in Crawford. Jim's older brother had done the same earlier this summer and came home with a terrible case of diarrhea, known as the Crawford Curse. But Jim felt he had to do his duty. "Major operations are over in Iraq," said Hammond. "Anyone can enlist in the Marines. How many have the guts and dedication to face Cindy Sheehan? I'm staying right here. At least until we have our kegger the weekend before classes start."

Those are just two tales of bravery and dedication. There are hundreds of others now in Crawford, risking mosquito bites, sand-mite infestations and bad sun burns.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

TRAITORS OUTNUMBER PATRIOTS

By Tweed

The Bush administration announced today that the number of anti-american traitors living in the United States now exceeds the number of patriots. Citing presidential approval tracking polls, the administration claims that there is now indisputable evidence that "traitorism" is on the rise.

Millions of americans now place themselves at risk of being rounded up as "material witnesses" or "undesireables," a new classification the administration created under its authority under the Patriot Act.

Conservative commentators have been warning of the trend for months, including Fox News sexaholic Bill O'Reilly:

"And on a final note, let's talk about Cindy Sheehan and her communist buddies in the democratic party - I mean, come on! How can we live in a country that allows treason to run rampent, and to sanction it within one of the major political parties. Remember, for fair and balanced reporting, tune into the no-spin zone. I'm Bill O'Reilly."

In related news, a Survey USA poll out this afternoon indicates that Nixon's corpse would beat George Bush in a presidential contest by 7 percentage points.

Monday, August 22, 2005

REVELATIONS ROCK SUPREME COURT NOMINATION

By Stockton

President Bush's first Supreme Court nomination may have been delt a fatal blow yesterday when it was revealed that Judge Roberts has been leading two lives.


Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Bush introduces Judge Roberts, Mrs. Roberts, their daughter
and the Judge's Clerk

There is the mild-mannered Federal Judge and former Reagan attorney well-known and respected in Washington D.C. and then there is the darker side of Judge Roberts. Late yesterday afternoon, Bad Vernacular learned that Judge Roberts is also Mike Brady, southern California architect* and father of six.


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Roberts (Mike Brady) with his other family
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
On vacation in Hawaii

The revelations have shaken the DC legal community and few are willing to speculate how it will effect his nomination to the nation's highest court.

The revelation came to light during a review of Judge Robert's opinions, which almost always began, "I think we've learned a valuable lesson here..."

Roberts' southern California neighbor, Clyde Culver, always found his neighbor "a bit funny." Says Culver: "They were just weird. Who has artificial turf for lawn? That's strange but to top it off, they have a lawn mower too."

There are also allegations that on a trip to Hawaii, one of Roberts sons (Bobby) looted a sacred Polynesian artifact known as a Tiki.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Roberts - Mike Brady - Or both?

According to one source, known only as Sam the Butcher, Roberts married a woman named Carol, who had three daughters by another man. That information has not been confirmed. Roberts (Brady) refused to comment, saying only that the revelations are"Cousin Oliver's fault. That kid has always been jinxed."

* Brady claims to be an architect but no record of a license exists and no one has ever seen a building designed by Mr. Brady. Rumor has it that Brady did design a state of the art complex but those plans were lost on an amusement park trip.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

KANSAS EDUCATION BOARD CHALLENGES SECOND THEORY

By Stockton

The Kansas Board of Education, having battled the theory of evolution, has set its sights an another pernicious scientific theory.

This fall, the Kansas Board of Education will tackle the thorny theory of gravity.

"It's just a theory," says Reverend Matthias Gutermote, pastor of Topeka's New Church of the Divine Resurrection and End of Days Mini-Mart. "I mean, no one has actually seen gravity, have they?"

Critics of the theory of gravity do not advocate wholesale removal of the theory from science textbooks. Rather, they desire to see more criticism of a theory they see as troublesome.

"There's some real questions we have about this gravity theory," says Bill Edmonson, father of 6 boys and 6 girls ranging in ages from one to twelve. "I mean, I'm 30 years old and in all my time I haven't seen this gravity stuff. It sure as hell isn't mentioned in the Bible. Maybe stuff falls because the world tilts one way or another or because there's nowhere to go but down. And what about hot-air balloons? Huh? They don't fall, they rise. Rise I tell ya. I'm just saying, the Sun's been going around the Earth for over 6,000 years. It ain't fallen has it?"

Monday, August 15, 2005

PETE BUSTED!

By Stockton

LAS CRUCES, N.M. - New Mexico State University's mascot, Pistol Pete, is being disarmed. University officials have also stripped the word "Pistol" from Pete's name. The new logo shows Pete twirling a lasso. The old Pete toted a pistol.

The full story is here.

The decision came after Pete was involved in numerous scandals. The straw that broke the camel's back: Last month Pete spent an evening downing Tequila before brandishing his pistol and shooting wildly up and down the streets of Las Cruces. No one was hurt. Pete was charged with reckless endangerment and sentenced to probation as well as alcohol counseling. In a rare television interview, Pete blamed the event on his father, Child Abuser Mike.

Pistol Pete, in happier times

Friday, August 12, 2005

IRAQ

By Tweed

What else do you expect from a guy who said he supported US policy in Vietnam during the Vietnam war?

HIGHWAY BILL

By Stockton

President Bush is set to sign a $286.4 Billion dollar highway bill. Most of the money will be allocated to widening access roads to National Cemeteries such as Arlington in order to help facilitate military burials.

"There's been an uptick in military deaths recently," said a Bush spokesperson. "We just want to ensure that the families burying their dead do not have to wait in long lines at the cemetery gates. It's the least we can do for our military families."

Bush defended the spending saying, "Unlike the Democrats, we're going to use the Federal Government to help create jobs. That's the conservative way."

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

ANOTHER PRISON SCANDAL?

By Stockton

This week, the Ministry of Magic announced that an investigation into interrogation techniques at Azkaban Prison has begun.

"We take all complaints seriously," said Minister of Magic, Rufus Scrimgeour. "We're dealing with a war against magical extremism and sometimes things can get intense. However, our interrogation techniques will stand up to international wizarding scrutiny."

Prisoners recently released, as well as some Azkaban guards, tell a different story.

"I was doing six months for transporting a bezor across state lines," said one prisoner. "I didn't hurt no one. Next thing I know, I got some fucking Dementor sucking my soul out! It's not right. That's something Muggles might do."

Others tell similar stories. However, Mad-Eye Moody, a retired Auror, defends the practice of dealing harshly with Death-Eaters. "We're in a war with You-Know-Who," said Moody. "We need information those prisoners possess. Would you rather have a few Death-Eaters have happiness sucked right out of them or do you want to see a mushroom cloud over Diagon Alley?"

A Ministry Magic spokesperson declined to comment except to say that Dementors were not employees of the Ministry but rather Independent Contractors.

Despite the looming scandal, Minister of Magic Rufus Scrimgeour remains focused. "Death-Eaters hate our way of life and think they can shake our resolve. They're wrong. Our resolve is firm."

The Ministry of Magic has been criticized recently when an incursion into A-Country-That-Must-Not-Be-Named uncovered only a few gallons of expired Polyjuice Potion and not Voldemort's alleged Horcruxes.

All of this comes on the heels of an attack at Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry which left one dead and numerous wounded. Percy Weasely, assistant to the Minister says, "The attack which took place at Hogwart's is a sign of how desperate the Death-Eaters have become. As the attacks grow in ferocity and as the ranks of Death-Eaters swell, we know they're more desperate than ever."

In unrelated news, the Cialis Viagrus charm has been recalled by manufacturers.

Monday, August 08, 2005

NEW THEORY OF CREATION PUT FORTH

By Stockton

The debate about how life came to be has heated up in recent years. Theories abound, from creationism (a literal interpretation of the Bible) to evolution (gradual change) to intelligent design (a brilliant engineering student at MIT).

Yesterday, a group of scientists unveiled what they hope is a compromise theory, albeit supported by not only facts but also by documents and sworn affidavits.

The theory is called "The Design by Committee Theory".

"It's exciting stuff," says Roger Milton, Professor of Evolutionary Sciences at Boston University. "The theory actually came to me after my new care broke down for the third time."

The new theory (DBCT) sets forth the following:

1) The world was designed by a committee of 27 individuals;
2) They were of mediocre ability;
3) They were not paid;
4) They spent a lot of time discussing where to order out for lunch;
5) The committee's work took two weeks.

"We've made some marvelous discoveries," continued Professor Milton. "For instance, we discovered that one day all of the cool people went out for a break and the geeks determined that steak, alcohol and cigarettes would be bad for people."

The upshot of the theory is that there was an intelligence behind the creation of life, just not a very intelligent intelligence.

More proof that we were created by a mediocre intelligence:

1) Bob Barker;
2) Most television sit-coms;
3) Cancer;
4) Mosquitoes;
5) Brussel sprouts;
6) House flies;
7) Hurricanes;
8) Scorpions;
9) Spam;
10) Everything that tastes good is bad for you;
11) Everything that tastes bad is good for you;
12) Alzheimers;
13) Tornados;
14) Cockroaches;
15) Utah;

"The list is endless," says Milton. "Think about the way things could have been and think about the way they are. Intelligent Design?"

Friday, August 05, 2005

QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Welcome to Bad Vernacular's Question of the Week.

This week's question: Which man depicted below most resembles 'that uncle' you won't leave alone with your children?


A. Image hosted by Photobucket.com

B. Image hosted by Photobucket.com

C. Image hosted by Photobucket.com

D. Image hosted by Photobucket.com


Scroll Down for Answer







C.

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