Monday, March 21, 2005


By Tweed

Republican leaders of the House and Senate and the White House have agreed to a somewhat unusual approach to hammering out their differences over this fiscal year's budget: hire independent negotiators.

The idea sprung up earlier this week as representatives from the two branches began talking about their differences. "We quickly realized that there were great differences among us," said House Speaker Hastert, "and that it was best for the country to avoid displaying intra-party bickering." "We thought it best that third parties take hold of this process," added Senator Frist.

The Senate republicans have announced that their negotiator will be long-time Republican and consumate Washington Insider, Bob Dole. "We chose Mr. Dole because. . . . well. . . because he'll do just about anything for money," said Senator Santorum.

Dole's Last Successful Campaign

"Bob Dole's serving his country again," said Mr. Dole, "and Bob Dole doesn't take any shit from anybody - especially any weak-kneed girly men from Texas. And stop lying about my penis."

The House republicans have taken a slightly different route. "We've got a great one," said Congressman Tom Delay, who has been instrumental in the House republican search. "We got Abdul -el Alsurnami - he's from Cairo. Everybody knows them Arab traders'll sell ya the hair offa yer own back."

el-Alsurnami with his Wares in Cairo

Through a translater el-Alsurnami said that he was very excited about the position and hoped that he could unload fifty persian rugs and six white virgins in the process: "My prices best in town - best in town!" said el-Alsurnami, in broken English.

The White House search was said to be led by the President himself, and has resulted in a new career for TV personality Monty Hall. But, unlike the House and Senate negotiators, Monty Hall has joined the President on his US tour promoting his plan.

Monty Asking Sharon Hicks to Try a Personal Account

Early reports indicate Hall's addition to the President's team have been succesful. "I thought it was great seeing Monty again," said Sharon Hicks, one of the hand picked "townsfolks" for one of the President's orchestrated "Townhall" style events. "Monty asked me if I wanted to stick with my social security plan or go with the president's plan, the particulars of which were in a box. I was so excited. . . I couldn't make up my mind! Then I chose the box and won a Ford Escape!"

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