Wednesday, March 23, 2005

CONGRESS ORDERS FEEDING TUBE REINSERTED

By Stockton

In a desperate, last ditch effort to prolong life, Congress has ordered that the feeding tube be reinserted into President Bush's Social Security Plan.

The decision was based, in part, upon affidavits from those who helped craft the legislation.

"I visit everyday," says Jason Hoblock, a White House Domestic Affairs advisor. "You should see the way it responds to me. It tries to communicate, smile, laugh, create private accounts. I know it wants to dismantle social security. I see that when I look into its eyes. I hope it has that chance."

Others argue that the plan should be allowed to die with dignity. Even some Republicans agree. "I know what you see on television," said one anonymous republican. "President Bush and even McCain are out there like nothing's wrong. I've spoken with numerous physicians and they tell me it's a lost cause."

Experts suggest that the actions of President Bush and Senator John McCain to "sell" the plan to the American people are nothing more than involuntary reflexes and not signs of normal, cognitive functioning.

"It's like a chicken that has its head cut off," says John Talbot, Professor of Social Policy at the University of Virginia. "The chicken can actually twitch for up to 45 seconds after decapitation. That doesn't mean the chicken is alive."



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