Saturday, February 19, 2005


By Stockton

Newly unearthed scrolls in the Dead Sea Valley have stunned Archaologists. The scrolls were discovered by shepherd Ali bin Gannon in a small cave overlooking the Dead Sea.

"It's a remarkable find," said Professor M. Stewart Upton III. "They give great insight into both the financial and social services policy of Jesus and the Twelve Apostles."

The scrolls contain both maxims of Jesus as well as graphs and falalfel charts. Among the more startling:

- "Sell everything you own and follow me, but keep 30% of the proceeds from your sale and place that dinari in private accounts with minimal risk and a return rate of at least 4%"

- "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and unto God what is God's but the Caesarian Tax Code, comprised of more than 1,200 stone tablets, should be simplified and reduced to no more than 25 stone tablets."

- "Let he amongst you who is without sin cast the first stone, unless he's a queer, than cast all the stones you want and save some for me."

The arrow points to the section regarding
private accounts for the Apostles

Some scholars remain sceptical of the scrolls authenticity. Detractors note that the phrase, "Strong Steady Leadership" and the word "Crawford" appear numerous times in the scrolls.

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