Saturday, February 26, 2005

COLORADO REPUBLICAN ADMITS HE'S INTO "FISTING"

By Stockton

In a daring move, Colorado State Representative Bill Cadman admitted to a colleague that he enjoys "fisting".


On Point,

February 24, 2005

CRANKY CADMAN
At the time this was written Wednesday afternoon, Rep. Bill Cadman, R-Colorado Springs, still hadn't forthrightly apologized for warning a colleague Tuesday on the floor of the House, "If you try that again, I'll ram my fist up your ass."


Cadman, because he would be doing the ramming, would be known as the "pitcher". Colleague Val Vigil, the ramee, would be known as the "catcher".

According to sources, Vigil turned down Cadman's offer noting, "I usually get dinner first."

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

POPE ATTACKS GAY MARRIAGE, OTHERS

By Stockton


Pope Calls Gay Marriage Part of 'Ideology of Evil'
Tue Feb 22, 2005

By Philip Pullella
ROME (Reuters) - Homosexual marriages are part of "a new ideology of evil" that is insidiously threatening society, Pope John Paul says in a new book published Tuesday.

In "Memory and Identity," the Pope also calls abortion a "legal extermination" comparable to attempts to wipe out Jews and other groups in the 20th century.


The Pope's list of those who are part of the "new ideology of evil" did not end with gay marriages and abortionists.

The Pope also singled out: Gargamel and his never-ending attempt to eradicate Smurfdom.

Smurfacide - A blight on humanity


Lord Voldemort


And....

Kenny G

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

GONZO, GONZO, GONZO, GONE!

By Tweed

The creator and sole practitioner of the art of Gonzo Journalism has gone out with a bang - literally. Using one of his many firearms, Hunter S. Thompson killed himself Sunday by shooting himself. I'd say it was 50/50 he was high on something at the time.


We at Bad Vernacular mourn the loss of one of America's greatest paranoid, drug taking, gun loving bad boy social critics ever. A legend in his own time, Thompson's fear and loathing of America and participatory journalism often produced remarkably insightful commentary on America, its politicians and some of its social phenomena. And, unlike George W. Bush's secret drug taking, Hunter Thompson's long affair with drugs certainly created the justification for some mixed up youth to start popping pills - not that I have any personal experience in any of this mind you.



Thompson's death, in my mind, marks the end of an era. Perhaps he saw it that way too. I haven't a clue as to why Thompson killed himself - or whether it was legal for him to do so (note to self: contact former Attorney General Ashcroft about getting Thompson's corpse arrested) - and I won't venture any guesses.

I just hope that in our remembrance of him, we won't limit ourselves to his book about a drug infested visit to sin city. Remember instead the Thompson drug infested coverage of the presidential elections, and his in-depth pieces on events and social issues.

For those of you unaware of Thompson's skills as a journalist and social commentator, I recommend starting at the beginning: The Great Shark Hunt.

Good bye, Dr. Thompson.

Monday, February 21, 2005

AMERICA'S YOUTH THANK PRESIDENT BUSH

By Stockton

In 1998, an aid to former President George H.W. Bush began secretly recording conversations with future President George W. Bush.

The conversations ranged in topic from John Ashcroft to Evangelical Christians. However, the most influential statements involves drug use and today's youth.


Bush also criticizes then-Vice President Al Gore for admitting marijuana use and explains why he would not do the same.

"I wouldn't answer the marijuana questions," he said, according to the Times. "You know why? Because I don't want some little kid doing what I tried."

According to some teens, Bush's refusal to answer questions profoundly impacted their lives.

"It was huge for me," said Todd Butterfield. "I was 18 then and pretty messed up. All my friends were trying marijuana cigarettes. I abstained but if I knew the Governor of Texas had smoked marijuana cigarettes, it would have been a whole different ball game."

Scott Jansen tells a similar story. "The one thing that kept me off weed was knowing that W didn't admit to using. I owe him my life, man. My Life!"

The example that public officials set for today's youth cannot be underestimated. Just ask Larry Swartz, 17, from Passaic, New Jersey. Larry lost his best friend when Governor James McGreevey admitted he was gay.

"Hey, I figured if the Governor of New Jersey was doing it, it must be the cool thing to do. Unfortunately, Steve must not have been caught up on current events because he beat the crap out of me when I tried to kiss him in the boys shower."

Sociologist Kenneth Ward says that the impact politicians have on youth should never be underestimated. "Young people watch politicians, whether it's their local councilman or the President of the United States. They hang posters of politicians in their bedrooms and want to be just like them, even down to the hair and clothes. I applaud President Bush for his decision not to discuss his relationship with illicit drugs."

Saturday, February 19, 2005

ARCHAEOLOGY DISCOVERY BACKS BUSH

By Stockton

Newly unearthed scrolls in the Dead Sea Valley have stunned Archaologists. The scrolls were discovered by shepherd Ali bin Gannon in a small cave overlooking the Dead Sea.

"It's a remarkable find," said Professor M. Stewart Upton III. "They give great insight into both the financial and social services policy of Jesus and the Twelve Apostles."

The scrolls contain both maxims of Jesus as well as graphs and falalfel charts. Among the more startling:

- "Sell everything you own and follow me, but keep 30% of the proceeds from your sale and place that dinari in private accounts with minimal risk and a return rate of at least 4%"

- "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and unto God what is God's but the Caesarian Tax Code, comprised of more than 1,200 stone tablets, should be simplified and reduced to no more than 25 stone tablets."

- "Let he amongst you who is without sin cast the first stone, unless he's a queer, than cast all the stones you want and save some for me."

The arrow points to the section regarding
private accounts for the Apostles


Some scholars remain sceptical of the scrolls authenticity. Detractors note that the phrase, "Strong Steady Leadership" and the word "Crawford" appear numerous times in the scrolls.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

JACKSON FALLS ILL

By Stockton


Michael Jackson's Sudden Illness Halts Trial

By Dan Whitcomb

SANTA MARIA, Calif. (Reuters) - Pop star Michael Jackson was taken to a hospital emergency room suffering from the flu on Tuesday, bringing an abrupt halt to jury selection in his child molestation trial.

Jackson became so sick while en route to court in Santa Maria, about 30 minutes from his Neverland Valley Ranch, that he was driven instead to a local hospital. The sudden illness caught Superior Court Judge Rodney Melville and even Jackson's own lawyers by surprise.


"We all knew something was wrong," said Jackson friend, Jim Stevens. "He looked so pale. He looked all washed-out."

The first sign of trouble came late last night when supporters had gathered to show support for Michael. "We were all just hanging out, playing Candyland," said Melvin Hardwick, a long-time Jackson associate. "Then suddenly, Michael's nose just falls off. Just falls right off his face. It bounced a few times and then rolled under the couch."

Jackson was rushed by ambulance to Saint Jude's Children's Hospital.

Monday, February 14, 2005

DEAN FINALLY WINS SOMETHING

Editorial - By Stockton

Dean has captured the Democratic National Committee Chairpersonship and Deaniacs are rejoicing. Yet, rarely is the question asked, "Is this good for the party?"

I say YES! No one will run a party like Dean. Some may scoff that he won't be embraced by middle America. Let them scoff. He'll do great things and he will ensure victory in both Nevada and Florida.

If you have a party, Dean is the man to run it successfully. Dean is my kind of Democrat, a perfect addition to the Kennedy-Clinton Party.



New DNC Chief with Ann Margaret


I'm also excited about the people Dean will bring with him.


The Dean Team


I'm not sure if we'll win anything, but it'll be the only real party in town.

No Republican is going
to be able to compete with
Dean


We've said it before and we'll say it again, "If this van's arockin', come on in and join the Democratic Party!" It beats hanging with Rush and Sean.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

REHNQUIST BELIEVED TO BE ADULT FILM STAR

By Stockton

According to a recent poll, most Americans believe Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, William Rehnquist was Deep Throat.

The poll result came as a surprise. "In recent years, most people chose Linda Lovelace as Deep Throat," said Scott Hill, the poll director. "So, Bill Rehnquist was a bit of a surprise."


Chief Justice Rehnquist
in 1973


And today...

Rehnquist's role in the 1970's cult-porn-classic prompted Justice Potter Stewart's most famous quote: "I can't define Rehnquist, but I know him when I see him."

The poll also found that a majority of those questioned believed Antonin Scalia was Rehnquist's co-star, Harry Reems.

STATE'S RIGHTS PARTY - AT IT AGAIN

By Stockton

The party of State's Rights and 'local control' has struck once again.


Senate OKs Limit on Class Action Lawsuits

By JESSE J. HOLLAND, Associated Press Writer

WASHINGTON - The Senate approved a measure Thursday to help shield businesses from major class action lawsuits like the ones that have been brought against tobacco companies, giving President Bush the first legislative victory of his second term.

Under the legislation, long sought by big business, large multistate class action lawsuits could no longer be heard in small state courts. Such courts have handed out multimillion-dollar verdicts.

Instead, the cases would be heard by federal judges, who have not proven as open to those type of lawsuits.

"The people have a right to have their class actions heard in big, robust Federal Courts," said Orrin Hatch (R-Utah). "Right now, most are heard in teenie-weenie state courts. It's just to crowded for all the class members. We just want them to be comfortable."

Traditionally, the seating arrangements are much more comfortable in Federal Court than in state court. "Also," added Rick Santorum (R-PA), "the bathrooms are much cleaner."

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

HERE CUM DA JUDGE

By Stockton

Not much to add here.

Judge's Career Ended by Claims of On-Bench Masturbation

Jurors and others in Judge Donald Thompson's courtroom kept hearing a strange whooshing noise, like a bicycle pump or maybe a blood pressure cuff. During one trial, Thompson seemed so distracted that some jurors thought he was playing a handheld video game or tying fly-fishing lures behind the bench.
The explanation, investigators say, is even stranger than some imagined: The judge had a habit of masturbating with a penis pump under his robe during trials.

The lurid allegations have brought an embarrassing end to a solid career and shocked many of his colleagues. The case could also lead to a wave of appeals from defendants claiming that the judge was not paying attention while presiding over their cases.

Thompson, a 58-year-old married father of three grown children, has denied the allegations, and he said the pump was just a gag gift received from a friend on his 50th birthday. He retired in August after being threatened with removal but now faces indecent-exposure charges brought against him last month.

"We're certainly saddened by the thought that the prosecutor filed charges," said Clark Brewster, Thompson's attorney. "We thought all this was dealt with when he resigned. We didn't feel like anything that was alleged rose to the level of criminal charges."

The trials during which he allegedly used the pump included murder cases as well as a libel suit.

Oklahoma Attorney General Drew Edmondson, who filed the paperwork to remove Thompson from the bench, said he would be surprised if the scandal did not lead to appeals. "I don't know if they will be successful. They will still have to show actual prejudice to the point that something was done in error," he said.

Police built a case against the judge after a police officer testified during a 2003 murder trial. From the witness stand, the officer saw a piece of plastic tubing disappear under Thompson's robe. During a lunch break, officers took photographs of the pump under the desk.

Investigators later collected carpet samples, Thompson's robes and the chair from behind the bench and found semen, according to court records.
Thompson's court reporter, Lisa Foster, told authorities that she saw him use the pump at least 10 times during trials. She told The Associated Press that the first time in court was in 2000, but she said nothing at the time for fear of retaliation.

Foster told authorities she saw Thompson use the device almost daily during the August 2003 murder trial of Kevin Vomberg, a man accused of shaking a toddler to death. The case ended in a hung jury. The whooshing sound could be heard on Foster's audiotape of the trial.

When jurors at the trial asked the judge about the sound, Thompson said he hadn't heard it, but would listen for it.

"I always thought he was an excellent trial judge," said Don I. Nelson, a prosecutor who tried more than 40 cases before Thompson, including a murder trial during which authorities say Thompson used the pump. "I was completely shocked and couldn't believe it."

Copyright 2005 Associated Press. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed
.


Tuesday, February 08, 2005

BUSH PLEADS IGNORANT ON STEROID PROBLEM

By Stockton



White House: Bush Unaware of Steroid Abuse
Mon Feb 7, 2005

WASHINGTON - President Bush was not aware of any steroid use by Texas Rangers players while he was a team executive, the White House said Monday.

In his upcoming book, Jose Canseco said he introduced Rafael Palmeiro, Ivan Rodriguez and Juan Gonzalez to steroids after being traded to Texas in 1992, the New York Daily News reported. Canseco said Bush, the Rangers' managing partner at the time, must have known about the drugs.

White House press secretary Scott McClellan said he spoke to Bush about alleged steroid use.

"If there was, he was not aware of it at the time," McClellan said.

McClellan went on to say that: "The President received constant reports about player behavior while he was Managing Partner of the Texas Rangers. Steroid use was not mentioned in those reports. This was an intelligence failure. Everyone believed the Rangers were steroid-free. France believed it, Germany believed. Even Senator Kerry."

McClellan went on to say that President Bush did witness needle use while visiting the clubhouse on numerous occasions. However, "Pudge Rodriguez told me that the fellas just had a bout of 24-hour diabetes."

Bush evades questions on steroids
and instead asks reporters to "pull
my finger."


Saturday, February 05, 2005

BUSH PLAN BEGINS TO BEAR FRUIT

By Stockton

President Bush's ambitious crusade to transform the Middle-East into American-style democracies is seeing its first glimmer of success.


Text Voting Banned in Reality TV Show
Tue Jan 11, 2005

RIYADH (Reuters) - Saudi Arabia's main mobile phone operator has banned its customers from voting by text message in a hit reality television show because it fails to "match the values" of the conservative Muslim kingdom.

State-owned Saudi Telecommunications Company (STC) said Tuesday it had blocked its 9.5 million mobile phone customers from texting votes for their favorite musical contestants on satellite show Star Academy 2.

"We feel the program does not match the values of the Saudi culture," said spokesman Saad Dhafer. "Our social and economic market research shows that our customers want us to operate in line with these values."


"We see it as a huge step forward," said White House mouthpiece, Scott McClellan. "When corporations can deny people the right to use what they've purchased, especially to uphold moral standards, we know Saudi Arabia is moving forward."

James Dobson, founder and Grand High Cleric of Focus on the Family, hopes the United States will use Saudi Arabia as a model for what is possible. "They're still going to fry in hell," said Dobson. "After all, they're non-believers. But, they have the right idea. If only more Americans were brave enough to let me, and others like me, decide what should be seen, heard and published. Then the dream would be fulfilled."

The television show, "Guess Who Cheated on their Husband and is About to be Put to Death" is the keystone in STC's Thursday Night "Must Jihad TV" lineup.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

MOVIN' ON UP!

By Stockton

Hispanics are crying in their Corona's today because of an upwardly mobile doll.


Hispanics Criticize American Girl Doll
Wed Feb 2, 2005

By MELANIE COFFEE, Associated Press Writer

CHICAGO - Some residents of Chicago's largely Hispanic Pilsen section are upset over a new doll in the popular American Girl series because her storyline says the Mexican-American youngster and her family left the "dangerous" neighborhood for a better life in the suburbs.


American Girl officials think the criticism is 'El Loco'. "We think this doll was very tastefully done and great care was taken to get everything right, down to the smallest detail."

Maria Concetta, comes complete with Medicaid
Card and Temporary Restraining Order


Editors Note: The American Girl Book series is well done. They missed the boat here, but overall they do a commendable job.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

BASEBALL, BASEBALL, BASEBALL


Stockton and Tweed are please to announce the establishment of

CHURCH OF BASEBALL

Join the congregation.

Alter boys welcome.

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