Thursday, January 06, 2005

GONZALES TRANSCRIPT

*A BAD VERNACULAR EXCLUSIVE*

The Intrepid Tweed was able to sneak into the Senate confirmation hearing on the Alberto Gonzales nomination for Attorney General, disguised as a Senator's staff assistant,



(Tweed as a hot Staff Ass.)


and brings you this actual, real live transcript of the Alberto Gonzales hearing:

Senator Specter: Welcome Mr. Gonzales. Let me begin by asking you, Mr. Gonzales, do you support torture?

Gonzales: No, Senator.

Specter: Not even a little?

Gonzales: Well, look - it's not like I'm an extremist or anything.

Senator Leahy: Mr. Gonzales, do you or do you not think that placing electroids on people's genitalia is not torture?

Gonzales: I'm sorry, I was looking at that staff assistant, can you repeat the question?

Senator Leahy: Yes I can . . .

Senator Santorum: Objection! How many times does he have to answer your question, Senator?

Senator Leahy: But I . . .

Santorum: This is madness! Just like Man-Dog sex, which Mr. Gonzales opposes. I hope the people of New Hampshire are watching this!

Senator Kennedy: Now, ah, Mr. Gonzales, you can do this panel, ah, and me, a great favor, ah, by getting that intern's telephone number.

Gonzales: Excuse me Miss, may I have your telephone number for the Senator?

Tweed: You should know that I don't. . . you know, on the first date.

Leahy: You said you don't approve of torture. But what about what went on at Abu Graib?

Gonzales: Well you know, some of it was beyond what we needed, but some was OK - they probably enjoyed some of it. One man's torture is another man's foreplay.

Leahy: Like what? What was OK?

Gonzales: Well, back when I was growing up as a poor, young Mexican American with hope in my eyes, opportunity in front of me and freedom on the march, we used to make naked human pyramids all the time. And my Daddy would hire a gringo to point and laugh at us.

Leahy: What?

Gonzales: Yeah, and when we were very good, we'd get our testicles hooked up to our back-up generator. Oh how I long for those simple care-free days. I remember working at Taco Bell...

Biden: Mr. Gonzales, I bring your attention to White House Memorandum #12-2/33 entitled "Torture....I Don't See Any Torture?" Is that your signature?

Gonzales: My name...Jose Jimenez...

Biden: Oh, for God's Sake.

Santorum: I believe Mr. Jimenez has answered your question.

Biden: His name isn't...

Gonzales: no habla Anglais.

Kennedy: Who's up for a drink?







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