Monday, January 31, 2005

CHENEY'S UNDISCLOSED LOCATION REVEALED

By Stockton

Ever since September 11, 2001, America has wondered, just where was Vice-President Cheney's undisclosed location? Was the courageous Vice-President in a hidden bunker somewhere in the Rocky Mountains? Aboard a submarine, fathoms under the Atlantic Ocean? In a Fortress of Solitude, somewhere in the Arctic?

Now, newly discovered documents answer that question. Oddly enough, it was the wrong question. It wasn't 'Where' is the undisclosed location; rather the proper question is 'What' is the undisclosed location?

Ladies and Gentlemen, Vice-President Cheney's undisclosed location.

Whether it's a terrorist attack or you just
need a good night's sleep, you'll sleep like the dead
in the Quantum Sleeper - Dick Cheney


Saturday, January 29, 2005

BUSTER CAUGHT IN LESBIAN ROMP

By Stockton

Beloved by children around the nation, Buster Bunny has been caught in a lesbian romp in of all places, Vermont.



PBS rebuked for cartoon's gay theme
By Ben FellerAssociated Press Published January 26, 2005

WASHINGTON -- The nation's new education secretary denounced PBS on Tuesday for spending public money on a cartoon with lesbian characters, saying many parents would not want children exposed to such lifestyles.The not-yet-aired episode of "Postcards From Buster" shows the title character, an animated bunny named Buster, on a trip to Vermont, a state that recognizes same-sex civil unions. The episode features two lesbian couples, although the focus is on farm life and maple sugaring.

A PBS spokeswoman, Lea Sloan, said late Tuesday that the non-profit network has decided not to distribute the episode, called "Sugartime!," to its 349 stations. She said the Education Department's objections were not a factor in that decision."Ultimately, our decision was based on the fact that we recognize this is a sensitive issue, and we wanted to make sure that parents had an opportunity to introduce this subject to their children in their own time," said Sloan.WGBH, the Boston public television station that produces the show, plans to make the "Sugartime!" episode available to other stations, and will air the episode on March 23, she said.

Education Secretary Margaret Spellings said the "Sugartime!" episode does not fulfill the intent Congress had in mind for programming. By law, she said, any funded shows must give top attention to "research-based educational objectives, content and materials.""Many parents would not want their young children exposed to the lifestyles portrayed in the episode,"

Spellings asked PBS to consider refunding the money it spent on the episode.The department has awarded nearly $99 million to PBS through the program over the last five years in a contract that expires in September, said department spokesman Susan Aspey. That money went to the production of "Postcards From Buster" and another animated children's show, and to promotion of those shows in local communities, she said.The show about Buster gets funding from other sources.In the show, Buster carries a digital video camera and explores regions, activities and people of different backgrounds and religions.


"It's down right disturbin'," said Milt Washburn, of Little Rock, Arkansas. "Sugartime? I'll bet it's sugartime. I don't know what the kids mean when they say 'tapping the maple sugar' but I gots a gosh darn good idea."

Ralph Boone, of Hannibal Missouri, agrees. "I understand two hot chicks, but throwing in a bunny? That's just plain sick."

Buster is no stranger to controversy. He was caught on film, in a hotel, while attending the 2000 Democratic Convention.

Buster and unnamed Teddy Bear at 2000 Democratic Convention


There's more about Buster's degenerate lifestyle here. But be forwarned. It's not pretty.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

THOSE CRAZY 'DO-IT-YOURSELFERS'

By Stockton

Ever since Bob Vila and This Old House, the do-it-yourself craze has been sweeping the nation. People renovate their own homes, sell their own homes and managing their own stock portfolios. Now, the Do-It-Yourself craze has gone to the next level:


Nevada Man Castrates Himself to Lower Libido
Thu Jan 20, 2005

RENO, Nev. - A 50-year-old Reno man who was hospitalized after he castrated himself told police he learned of the procedure on the Internet and did so to lower his libido. The man, whose name was not released, called 911 at about 1:30 a.m. Monday and asked for help because he could not stop the bleeding from a self-castration operation, police said.

Reno police and medics responded to the man's home and he was taken by ambulance to the hospital.

"The man obviously needs some sort of counseling," Reno police Lt. Ron Donnelly told the Reno Gazette-Journal.


"It's not as easy as it looks," cautions Leonard McBall, author of 'Castration for Dummies'. It takes a real steady hand. It's not for everybody. That 50-year old Nevada man was very lucky."
Lieutenant Donnelly, for privacy reasons, refused to release the name of the man. "It would be a real breach of confidentiality if I said anything more than the self-castrator was a 50-year old man that lives in Alvarado Street, Reno, Nevada. His first name rhymes Barlie and his last name rhymes with Ilson or that he works at the cutlery store on Chester Street. That would be wrong of me."

The 50-year old man declined comment except to say, "It's one less place I have to scratch."

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

GAYBRAHAM LINCOLN

By Stockton





Psychologist, therapist and former Kinsey sex researcher Tripp—author of the 1975 classic The Homosexual Matrix—died in May 2003 at the age of 83, just after completing this riveting new study that makes a surprisingly compelling case for Lincoln's bisexuality. Tripp merges a sexual psychologist's knowledge with a prosecutor's eye for evidence as he scrutinizes letters, diaries and oral histories gathered by early Lincoln researchers. Seeing what others either could not or would not, Tripp itemizes in telling detail three homosexual liaisons from different stages of Lincoln's life. The first involved young Billy Green, a frequent bunk mate in New Salem during the 1830s. The second was a passionate union with the aristocratic Kentuckian, and Lincoln's lifelong friend, Joshua Speed in Springfield, Ill., during the 1840s (Tripp notes, refuting others' arguments, that poverty did not necessitate their long-term sharing of a bed). The last involved Capt. David V. Derickson, President Lincoln's bodyguard and intimate companion between September 1862 and April 1863; it is documented that the president shared his bed with him on numerous occasions during Mary Lincoln's frequent absences.


Here's and excerpt:


"As the War of Unprovoked Northern Aggression waged on, Secretary of State Seward could see the toll it took on his friend Lincoln. He moved behind the seated President and placed his hands on Abe's shoulders.

"You are so tense," said Seward, as he rubbed Lincoln's shoulders. How about a nice warm bath and a massage."

"That be nice," replied the President, "but I'm working on this proclamation...oh...yes...right there. You have fabulous hands, Mr. Secretary."

"Thank you Abe."

Slowly, Seward worked his way down...."


Personally, I could care less if Lincoln was gay, bi-sexual or straight. Still, wouldn't it be ironic if the South was whipped by a gay man?

One last piece of circumstantial evidence pointing to Lincoln's alleged homosexuality:

Mary Todd Lincoln


Monday, January 24, 2005

IT'S JUST SO SAD

By Stockton




Braveheart Becomes Role Model for Christian Men
Sat Jan 22, 2005

By Nigel Hunt
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Movies like "Braveheart" and "Legends of the Fall" are on the viewing list for men in a growing Christian movement that calls for them to throw off their "nice guy" personas and emulate warriors.

The book which inspired the movement, John Eldredge's "Wild at Heart," has already sold 1.5 million copies in English and been translated into 16 languages, most recently Korean.
Eldredge believes many Christian men have become bored, "really nice guys" and invites them to rediscover passion by viewing their life's mission as having a battle to fight, an adventure to live and a beauty to rescue.


And if that's not enough:



Jim Chase, an advertising copywriter from La Crescenta, California, has had a replica of the sword actor Mel Gibson used when he played legendary Scottish warrior William Wallace in "Braveheart" hanging above his desk since attending a Wild at Heart retreat with 350 other men last year. "It is just a reminder that we are in a battle every day. It can be just facing boredom and routine, but it is a battle," Chase said.



It has not all been positive for Chase. "Initially, I got some pretty strange looks at work," said the 34 year-old virgin. "I think it was the kilt that threw them. It's very liberating."

"It's just fucked-up," says Chase's co-worker, Natalie DeWine. "Every time you try and tell him something he just shouts, 'Freedom!'. No one will even go to lunch with him anymore. He's always bringing hagus and it smells so fucking bad. Fucking loser."

Anson Potter, a behavioral specialist at New York University says it may be dangerous to base your life on a movie character. "Movies aren't reality. I'd bet that Mr. Chase has never even read a book about the real William Wallace. He's essentially basing his life on a Hollywood character, not an actual historical personage."

If you must base your life on a Hollywood character, Potter suggests taking a long look at what's out there before making your decision.

Bad Vernacular would like to make some suggestions for those who choose to go this route. There are many good Hollywood characters and here are just a few:




Best of all, no kilts.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

WEEKEND NEWS WRAP-UP

By Stockton

Nixon Secretary Rose Mary Woods, 87, Dies

By MARK WILLIAMS, Associated Press Writer

COLUMBUS, Ohio - Rose Mary Woods, the devoted secretary to President Nixon who said she inadvertently erased part of a crucial Watergate tape, has died. She was 87.

Woods died Saturday night at a nursing home in Alliance, Roger Ruzek, owner of a funeral home in Sebring, said Sunday. He did not know the cause of death.


Woods began dying at 11:00 A:M on Saturday, January 22, 2004. Then, mysteriously stopped dying for eighteen and 1/2 minutes before finally expiring.


Nevada Judge Throws Out Anti-Lap-Dance Law

LAS VEGAS - A Las Vegas law prohibiting strippers from fondling customers during lap dances is unconstitutionally vague, a judge ruled. District Court Judge Sally Loehrer affirmed a lower court ruling that as many as five misdemeanor criminal cases filed against Las Vegas strippers should be dismissed.

Friday's ruling affects only dancers within city limits. The Clark County Commission in 2002 limited touching between strippers and patrons during private lap dances, specifically barring strippers from touching or sitting on the customer's genital area.


Maybe we will get our America back.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

NO PAPER TRAIL WORRIES IRAQI'S

By Stockton

In addition to long lines and an as-yet untried electoral process, the lack of any paper trail worries many Iraqi voters as they head to the polls.

"How are they going to know?" asked Tariq Ibrahim. "How will my family identify my body if I'm blown up?"

Many Iraqi's are improvising, sewing their name into their underwear or making out their own toe-tags. "I've done both," said Khamil Barzi. "I want people to know it was my corpse that voted for some anonymous candidate who has no platform and gives no speeches."

The entire anonymous slate of candidates is urging Iraqi's to be brave and to put Iraqi-style Democracy over their own petty concerns for safety.

"We need voters almost as much as we need candidates," said Candidate 12-B2, from the -----Party. "Iraqi's will have to step up to the hazik and take a cuneo at the jakil. You don't see me running scared!"

Candidate 12-B2 and his running
mate urge Iraqi's to get out to the qariffs
and vote


Iraqi electoral officials had planned on manning each polling station with a "corpse-identifier". Those workers have all been killed.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

SWIFT BOAT COMMANDER UNDER ATTACK

By Stockton

A former leader of Swift Boat Commanders for Bush is now under attack from the executive branch of the Republican Party.



"Does anybody here know SpongeBob?" Dr. James C. Dobson, the founder of Focus on the Family, asked the guests Tuesday night at a black-tie dinner for members of Congress and political allies to celebrate the election results.

SpongeBob needed no introduction. In addition to his popularity among children, who watch his cartoon show, he has become a well-known camp figure among adult gay men, perhaps because he holds hands with his animated sidekick Patrick and likes to watch the imaginary television show "The Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy."

Now, Dr. Dobson said, SpongeBob's creators had enlisted him in a "pro-homosexual video," in which he appeared alongside children's television colleagues like Barney and Jimmy Neutron, among many others. The makers of the video, he said, planned to mail it to thousands of elementary schools to promote a "tolerance pledge" that includes tolerance for differences of "sexual identity."


Commander Bob could not be reached for comment but was captured in this candid, unguarded moment.


Commander Bob reacts to Dobson's comments


Sponge Bob isn't the only fictional character under attack. Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum may hold hearing regarding the exact relationship between two other beloved figures:

"Just what is the nature of their relationship?" Wonders
Santorum. "We'd all like to know."


Tuesday, January 18, 2005

GEORGIA RULING EVOLVES INTO APPEAL

By Stockton


Ga. Schools to Appeal Evolution Ruling
Tue Jan 18, 2005

MARIETTA, Ga. - Members of a suburban district's school board plan to challenge a federal judge's order to remove stickers in science textbooks that call evolution "a theory, not a fact."

In a 5-2 vote, the Cobb County school board decided to appeal last week's ruling. Board members said U.S. District Judge Clarence Cooper's order to remove the stickers immediately "amounts to unnecessary judicial intrusion into local control of schools," according to a statement.

The school district just north of Atlanta approved the stickers after more than 2,000 parents complained the textbooks presented evolution as fact, without mentioning rival ideas about the beginnings of life.

During four days of testimony in federal court last November, the school system defended the warning stickers as a show of tolerance, not religious activism. Its attorneys argued the board had made a good-faith effort to address questions that inevitably arise during the teaching of evolution.

The decision to appeal surprised Jeffrey Selman, who led parents in a lawsuit to remove the stickers.

"They're ludicrous," Selman said of the school board. "They're ignoring the ruling."

The disclaimers read: "This textbook contains material on evolution. Evolution is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of living things. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully and critically considered."


But that's not all. The Georgia Courts will likely have their dockets full this year. Another group wants a similar sticker regarding gravity. "After all, it's just a theory," said Wayne Ruslander, President of the Anti-Gravity League.

Additionally, The Post-Enlightenment Club has proposed another, less controversial sticker.

"Georgia's Public Education system attempts to teach. Georgia's Public Education system is a theory, not a fact. The Georgia Public Education system should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully and critically considered."


There has also been talk about impeachment proceedings against Judge Clarence Cooper. Impeachment of a Georgia judge is a complicated process. The judge is bound and tossed into a vat of water. If he floats, he will not be impeached. If he sinks, a court vacancy has been created.




Sunday, January 16, 2005

DON'T ASK, DON'T DETONATE

By Stockton

In a breaking news story, the Pentagon refused to develop a weapon that could have had disastrous consequences.



U.S. National - Reuters

Pentagon Spurned Plan to Initiate Enemy Homosexuality

By Jim Wolf

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The U.S. military rejected a 1994 proposal to develop an "aphrodisiac" to spur homosexual activity among enemy troops but is hard at work on other less-than-lethal weapons, defense officials said on Sunday.

The idea of fostering homosexuality among the enemy figured in a declassified six-year, $7.5 million request from a laboratory at Wright Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio for funding of non-lethal chemical weapon research.

The proposal, disclosed in response to a Freedom of Information request, called for developing chemicals affecting human behavior "so that discipline and morale in enemy units is adversely affected."

More alarming is the fact that the Pentagon actually tested the "Gay Bomb" on American forces stationed in Saudi Arabia in July of 2001. Like the 1950's LSD trials that used American servicemen as guinea pigs, an American bomber dropped the "Gay Bomb" one half mile from encamped Americans. The result, described here in a recently declassified transcript, is not for the weak.

Pilot: Echo 2, Liberace has been released. Repeat, Liberace has been released.

Ground Control: Echo 1, can you see any effects?

Pilot: Too cloudy, my visibility is....Oh My God!

GC: Yes? What do you see?

Pilot: Oh, the humanity. My God, that private is.....b--------g his Captain. I can't watch this.

GC: Steady Major. Get a grip on yourself. Just describe...

Pilot: No! They're redecorating. That guy is looking at curtains. No. Wait. I'm picking something up. It sounds like....

GC: What is it, Major?

Pilot: Music, Sir. It's....it's...Judy Garland. Oh, you bastards.


According to the report, the bomb was unacceptable due to morale problems its presence might have caused among the other bombs. "You can't have all the bombs wondering if two or three other bombs might be sexually attracted to them. It's bad for morale and it could effect how and when armaments detonate," said one Pentagon spokesman.

A lawyer for the Lambda Legal Defense Fund disagrees. "That's nonsense. They said the same thing when we developed black bombs. Gay bombs have been serving in our military since the American Revolution. They have exploded with distinction and honor."

Some speculate that a proto-type 'Gay Bomb" was detonated over Provincetown, Massachusetts in the early 1940's.


THANKS

The Editors of Bad Vernacular want to thank everyone that has linked to BV or mentioned BV in a post (or both). We've been up and running for two weeks now and things are going well. According to our site meter, over 7 people have visited. Also, there have been no law suits or restraining orders. That's what we call success.

So, here's some payback.

First, Steve over at Distance. He's always been a big advocate of our body of work. He does good things at Distance: a serious review of how to renew the Democratic Party and great work on the Jaw-Juh scene also.

Then, there's Jen at Good Intentions. She's smart, funny and we would marry her if she wasn't so uppity and opinionated. Also, did you know she looks like Kate Beckinsale, but with Jennifer Garner's hair?

Rusty, the Radical Georgia Moderate. He's always got a wise-ass comment or two on anything the Bushies try to pull. We also believe he may have been in Romania as little as nine months ago.

For great writing at a quality blog, you can always count on The Tally Ho!

If harsh critiques of the current Junta are more your fare, Damfa is a good place to start.

Mae at Politics 101 will keep you up to speed on the Georgia scene with sharp, witty comments. She actually looks like Jennifer Garner with Kate Beckinsale's hair. Ironic, huh?

Justin, at Blog-Underground does great work promoting the 'small' but quality blogs.

Mark, at Dispassionate Liberal, has a good blog and does great work on the Bush tort reform plans, or as we like to say, No Corporation Left Behind. The Dems should take notice of how Mark has framed the tort reform issue.

Ricky is still on top of things over at Timshel. That's some good, Cajun blogging he got going on. And the folks at Blue Grass Roots, thanks for your support and boy, you really attract some wingnuts. You must be doing something right.

Then there's Elwood at Windy City Blues. Nice to find another Blue Stater around these parts.

Also, the American Street. We weren't familiar with that site until they mentioned us in a post. We highly recommend you check them out.

Finally, thanks go out to Garrett at Sparkgrass and to Iskra for linking to us.

There's some real good writing and observations going on at the smaller blogs and those named above deserve greater attention. The big blogs (Atrios, Kos) are fine. But some of the better writing and ideas are coming from out of the way corners of the blogosphere.

That's it for the ass kissing. Time to get back and hammer Bush and the wingnuts.





Thursday, January 13, 2005

SAVAGING THE RED

By Stockton

Once again it's time to do a fair but savage Red State/Blue State comparison just filled with biased facts.

As everyone in the mainstream media to the blogosphere knows, Red States (or flyover country) comprise the real America. Red States are filled with hardworking, church-going, salt of the earth, patriotic family-values citizens. Red is the heart of America.

Blue States are filled with socialist,welfare grabbing, libertines that hate America. The coasts are bookends and Real America is in the middle.

So now we visit our good friends, Mississippi (the Reddest of Red) and Massachusetts (the Bluest of Blue).

As you might remember, months before DailyKos mentioned the fact that Mississippi has twice the divorce rate of Massachusetts, that fact was posted at LB in '04. Here again are some more of those pesky, biased, facts.

Teen Births per 1,000

Mississippi - 64.7
Massachusetts - 23.4
National - 43

Gonorrhea Cases per 100,000

Mississippi - Males 194.7 Females 285.6
Massachusetts - Males 54.4 Females 48.0

Births Financed by Medicaid

Mississippi - 53.7%
Massachusetts - 24.2%

And that's one to grow on!

These biased facts, and more, can be found here.

Fun Facts About Mississippi

Despite the above, Mississippi does lead the nation in many positive categories:

States with the letter 'S' in the name - #1;
States with the letter 'P' in the name - #1;
States whose abbreviation is the same as Multiple Sclerosis - #1;
State with the most patriotic, church-going, gonorrhea infected people who use Medicaid to have kids - #1.








Wednesday, January 12, 2005

ANOTHER PAYOLA SCANDAL

By Stockton

In a recent interview with the Washington Times, President Bush declared that he doesn't:



"see how you can be president without a relationship with the Lord."

Bad Vernacular has recently learned that The United States Department of Education has paid the Lord $240,000 for that relationship. The Lord has denied any wrongdoing. "It's something I believe in and would have done anyway."

Critics claim the monetary exchange is unethical, especially since the Lord has not disclosed the payment to his believers. "I told Allah, Jehovah and Kali about the money when I urged them to meet with George," said the Lord. "I'm not sure if I told anyone else."

Despite claims of a close, personal relationship, sources close to the President say the two meet only occasionally. "Usually it's after a coke or bourbon bender," said one anonymous White House source. "Then George is like, 'I have to find God again'. It's kind of pathetic."

The White House denies any close ties between the President and the Education Department. "I didn't even know we had one of them," said the President.

The Lord has refused to return the money.

The President, demonstrating his relationship with the Lord



Tuesday, January 11, 2005

BUSH SKIPS ON BILL

By Tweed

By Spencer S. Hsu
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, January 11, 2005; Page A01

D.C. officials said yesterday that the Bush administration is refusing to reimburse the District for most of the costs associated with next week's inauguration, breaking with precedent and forcing the city to divert $11.9 million from homeland security projects.

Federal officials have told the District that it should cover the expenses by using some of the $240 million in federal homeland security grants it has received in the past three years -- money awarded to the city because it is among the places at highest risk of a terrorist attack.

Arthur Shingold, a Washington DC attorney with the law firm of Arnold and Porter, witnessed the event which occurred at Equinox, a local Washington DC restaurant.

"I saw the President and Andrew Card at the table next to mine with Mayor Williams," said Shingold. "I heard what they were talking about, and things didn't sound like they were going well. Bush had the appropriation bill for the extra $11.9M, and he was shaking it at Williams' face, and called him 'Bow-Tie-Boy.' I don't think Williams liked that."

Shortly after the heated discussion Andrew Card excused himself to use the rest room. "Then," Shingold said, "Bush got up to stretch out his legs - he said that he'd jogged that morning and felt a cramp coming on. He stretched a little, then - out of the blue - bolted for the door, leaving the Mayor with the bill for the President's game hen, Card's steak, their surf and turf appetizer and the appropriations bill."


Card and Bush As Card Excuses Himself and Shortly
Before Bush Bolted for the Door

Card never returned to the table, and was later seen walking down 16th Street toward the White House with a combination of parsley, bread crumbs and silantro on his shoes.

A spokesman for the President neither confirmed nor denied Shingold's story, but did insist that the President left the tip.

Other diners were surprised at the activity. Williams waited for a few minutes and then settled the restaurant bill.


Mayor Williams Posing With Equinox Staff
After Finishing His Shift Washing Dishes

Williams plans on taking public safety courses in the coming weeks to prepare for the innauguration.

FLORIDA ORPHANS CHEER

By Stockton


Supreme Court Sidesteps Gay Adoption Case
Mon Jan 10, 2005

By GINA HOLLAND, Associated Press Writer

WASHINGTON - The Supreme Court steered clear of a dispute over gay adoptions on Monday, energizing conservatives who want other states to copy Florida's one-of-a-kind ban on gays adopting children.

In refusing to review the law, justices averted a second showdown over gay rights in two years. The court barred states in 2003 from criminalizing gay sex, a decision that brought strong criticism from conservative and religious groups.

Monday's action indicates the court is finished for now with the delicate subject.
Conservative groups, whose recent focus has been on blocking gay marriages, cheered the decision.

It "sends a huge message that the court is not going to be open to a broad-based homosexual agenda," said Mathew Staver, president of the Liberty Counsel in Orlando, Fla. Other states, he said, should start considering similar laws.

"I don't care how long I have to wait for a mother and father," declared six-year old Ephraim Wilson, one of Florida's 8,000 children awaiting adoption by a straight couple. "I'd rather be in a state facility than be 'homodopted'. Besides, Uncle Jeb stops by every four years, usually in late October or early November."

The law ('Anita's Law') was passed in the late 1970's at the height of Anita Bryant's Hate Crusade against homosexuals. Governor Bush agrees with the law. "That's the ideal. Children do best when they have a mom and dad," said Bush, father of a drug addicted daughter that he raised with his wife. "I don't care how long those children have to wait. Fifteen, eighteen years. They're going to have a mother and father."

"It may be a hard knock life, but that
beats being adopted by fags!" - L. O. Annie



NEW CAUSE OF ACTION

By Stockton


NBC's 'Fear Factor' Sued for Rat-Eating Episode
Thu Jan 6, 2005


LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Watching contestants eat dead rats on NBC's gross-out stunt show "Fear Factor" so disgusted a Cleveland man that he has sued NBC for $2.5 million, saying he could not stomach what he saw.

In a handwritten four-page lawsuit filed in federal court in Cleveland on Tuesday, paralegal Austin Aitken said, "To have the individuals on the show eat (yes) and drink dead rats was crazy and from a viewer's point of view made me throw-up as well an another in the house at the same time."

His suit added, "NBC is sending the wrong message to its TV watchers that cash can make or have people do just about anything beyond reasoning (sic) and in most cases against their will."
He said the show caused his blood pressure to rise so high that he became dizzy and light-headed, and when he ran away to his room, he bumped his head into the doorway.

In a brief telephone interview with Reuters, Aitken said, "I am not at liberty to discuss the complaint unless it is a paid-interview situation."
Aitken's suit has caused television manufacturers to invest a greater percentage of their profits into new research and development programs. "We're very excited about a new development that's just months away," said Sony spokesman John Chui. "It's a device that allows a viewer to change the channel even when they're not near the television. It should be available in just a few short months. A year at the most."

The lawsuit has also sent shockwaves through the television industry, causing many to brace for an onslaught of new lawsuits. Producers of such shows as The 700 Club and Who's My Daddy are particularly concerned about lawsuits. Even television series seen only in syndication are paying attention. "What's the Statute of Limitations on these cases," wonders Rod Hall, producer of 'Joni Loves Chachi. Is that dog going to haunt me until I die?"

BAD VERNACULAR QUIZ

Match the television show with its medically verified side-effects.*


1. Joni Loves Chachi
2. My Two Dads
3. The 700 Club
4. Blossom
5. Manimal
6. Planet of the Apes
7. The Love Boat
8. Mr. Belvedere
9. The Dukes of Hazard
10. Chico and the Man

a. Anal Leakage
b. Chronic Anal Leakage
c. Juicy Anal Leakage
d. Cold Sores
e. Goiters
f. Halitosis
g. Irritable Bowel Syndrome and Anal Leakage
h. Munchhausens (without Anal Leakage)
i. Priapism
j. Cooties

* Answers
1. d 2. f 3. a, b & c 4. h 5. e 6. i & a 7. i & b 8. j 9. g & f 10. j


Monday, January 10, 2005

BREAD & CIRCUS'

By Stockton


Porn Business Driving DVD Technology
Sun Jan 9, 2005

By Ben Berkowitz
LAS VEGAS (Reuters) - As goes pornography, so goes technology. The concept may seem odd, but history has proven the adult entertainment industry to be one of the key drivers of any new technology in home entertainment. Pornography customers have been some of the first to buy home video machines, DVD players and subscribe to high-speed Internet.

One of the next big issues in which pornographers could play a deciding role is the future of high-definition DVDs. The multi-billion-dollar industry releases about 11,000 titles on DVD each year, giving it tremendous power to sway the battle between two groups of studios and technology companies competing to set standards for the next generation.

"It's not as odd as it sounds," said technology historian, Max Venable. "The adult entertainment industry was also the driving force behind the space race. The Russians and Americans wanted a safe, private place to watch porn. They decided that their spouses and children couldn't walk in on them in orbit. Why do you think they stay up in that space station for months at a time? Wake up."

NASA had no comment, but a Freedom of Information Request did reveal that over 67% of all NASA expenditures were invoices paid to Vito's Whack Shack, in Colombus, Ohio.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

PRISON FOLLIES

By Stockton


Stewart Loses Contest in Prison
Fri Dec 31, 2004

NEW YORK - Martha Stewart, who built a billion-dollar media empire based on her holiday and home decorating tips, was unable to lead her team to victory in a prison decoration contest, a magazine reported.

Stewart and a team of fellow inmates at a federal prison camp in Alderson, W.Va., crafted paper cranes to be hung from the ceiling, People magazine reported in an article posted on its Web site Wednesday. They lost out to a competing team that built a nativity scene showing "pictures of snow-covered hills and sleds and clouds on the wall," the magazine quoted an inmate as saying.

According to the Prison Newspaper, Pen Life, the theme of the contest was "Peace on Earth". Stewart's teammate, Chantilly Jackson, was upset at the 'Crane' theme chosen by Stewart. "I don't know what the fuck cranes have to do with Christmas," said Jackson. "I told that bitch we should do doves. But no! Ms. 'I had my own t.v. show' was all like, it's doves or you're getting a shiv between your shoulder blades while you're sleeping. Girlfriend is crazy."

Stewart broods over loss

Sing Sing Prison Could Become NY Tourist Draw
Tue Jan 4, 2005

By Ellen Wulfhorst

NEW YORK (Reuters) - One of America's most notorious prisons, Sing Sing, could do more than lock up dangerous criminals, local officials say.

The institution that saw the execution of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg as spies could become a lucrative tourist attraction, according to Westchester County, N.Y., officials.

Local officials are asking the state's help in funding the start-up of a museum in the prison's old power house, which would be connected by tunnel to an original cell block no longer in use, said Westchester County Planning Commissioner Jerry Mulligan on Monday.


If the museum is a success, the county plans on adding a Cell Block Bed & Breakfast where a 'Hard Labor Sodomy Weekend' could go for as much as $2,000.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

GONZALES TRANSCRIPT

*A BAD VERNACULAR EXCLUSIVE*

The Intrepid Tweed was able to sneak into the Senate confirmation hearing on the Alberto Gonzales nomination for Attorney General, disguised as a Senator's staff assistant,



(Tweed as a hot Staff Ass.)


and brings you this actual, real live transcript of the Alberto Gonzales hearing:

Senator Specter: Welcome Mr. Gonzales. Let me begin by asking you, Mr. Gonzales, do you support torture?

Gonzales: No, Senator.

Specter: Not even a little?

Gonzales: Well, look - it's not like I'm an extremist or anything.

Senator Leahy: Mr. Gonzales, do you or do you not think that placing electroids on people's genitalia is not torture?

Gonzales: I'm sorry, I was looking at that staff assistant, can you repeat the question?

Senator Leahy: Yes I can . . .

Senator Santorum: Objection! How many times does he have to answer your question, Senator?

Senator Leahy: But I . . .

Santorum: This is madness! Just like Man-Dog sex, which Mr. Gonzales opposes. I hope the people of New Hampshire are watching this!

Senator Kennedy: Now, ah, Mr. Gonzales, you can do this panel, ah, and me, a great favor, ah, by getting that intern's telephone number.

Gonzales: Excuse me Miss, may I have your telephone number for the Senator?

Tweed: You should know that I don't. . . you know, on the first date.

Leahy: You said you don't approve of torture. But what about what went on at Abu Graib?

Gonzales: Well you know, some of it was beyond what we needed, but some was OK - they probably enjoyed some of it. One man's torture is another man's foreplay.

Leahy: Like what? What was OK?

Gonzales: Well, back when I was growing up as a poor, young Mexican American with hope in my eyes, opportunity in front of me and freedom on the march, we used to make naked human pyramids all the time. And my Daddy would hire a gringo to point and laugh at us.

Leahy: What?

Gonzales: Yeah, and when we were very good, we'd get our testicles hooked up to our back-up generator. Oh how I long for those simple care-free days. I remember working at Taco Bell...

Biden: Mr. Gonzales, I bring your attention to White House Memorandum #12-2/33 entitled "Torture....I Don't See Any Torture?" Is that your signature?

Gonzales: My name...Jose Jimenez...

Biden: Oh, for God's Sake.

Santorum: I believe Mr. Jimenez has answered your question.

Biden: His name isn't...

Gonzales: no habla Anglais.

Kennedy: Who's up for a drink?





INVESTMENT TIP OF THE MONTH

By Financial Desk

Take out as many whole-life insurance policies on members of the Iraqi Police as possible. If done in volume, the initial expenditure in premiums will be more than off-set in frequent, daily disbursements.


Wednesday, January 05, 2005

TOLERANCE, TENNESSEE STYLE

By Stockton


Tenn. Muslims Face Resistance to Plans
Sun Dec 26, 2004

By WOODY BAIRD, Associated Press Writer

SOMERVILLE, Tenn. - Muslims planned to turn an old sod farm near Memphis into a cemetery, but angry neighbors protested, complaining the burial ground could become a staging ground for terrorists or spread disease from unembalmed bodies.

It was not the first time a group faced opposition when trying to build a cemetery or a mosque, but the dispute stood out for the clarity of its anti-Muslim rhetoric.
"We know for a fact that Muslim mosques have been used as terrorist hideouts and centers for terrorist activities," farmer John Wilson told members of a planning commission last month.

When the Town Crier announced news of the proposed Muslim cemetery, tempers flared. Farmer John and other angry villagers marched to the proposed site to put it to the torch. The local constabulary blocked their way and used magical lights, sirens and noisy 'Boom-Sticks' to disperse the crowd.

Angry peasants try to protect their village


Quick-thinking constabulary save the day


Farmer John remains steadfast. "If the Outlanders want to be able to do whatever they like, they should move to America."

Saturday, January 01, 2005

QUEERS AND HEATHENS NEED NOT APPLY

By Stockton

A group of Christian students at Arizona State University Law School recently organized a chapter of the Christian Legal Society. The University will not recognize the group nor offer it funding because of the group's exclusionary policies. The Christian Legal Society will not admit homosexuals or non-christians for membership.


A legal confrontation is playing out here as a student organization seeks official recognition and money from a state-run university even though the students plan to exclude non-Christians and gays.

A group of Christian students at Arizona State University's law school formed a chapter of the Christian Legal Society, a national organization that unites Christian lawyers and law students for fellowship, mutual legal support, meetings and Bible readings.

Rather than turn the other cheek, the group is seeking an activist judge in order to overturn Arizona State University's community standards against bigotry.


Based on their interpretation of biblical passages on homosexuality, members draw the groundwork to exclude practicing homosexuals from membership. The society at "ASU interprets its statement of faith to require that officers adhere to orthodox Christian beliefs, including the Bible's prohibition of sexual contact between persons of the same sex," the suit says.

"A person who engages in homosexual conduct or adheres to the viewpoint that homosexual conduct is not sinful would not be permitted to become a member or serve as an officer" of the group at Arizona State, the suit adds. It goes on to say that a person who has engaged in homosexual acts but has "repented" or people who may have homosexual inclinations but do not act on those inclinations would be eligible for membership.

The group bases much of its exclusionary policies on the prohibitions found in Leviticus. In addition to the prohibition against homosexuality ("The peeper of one man must not come into contact with the booty of another"), the group plans enforcing all the prohibitions contained in Leviticus. For example:



'When you reap the harvest of your land, do not reap to the very edges of your field or gather the gleanings of your harvest. * Do not go over your vineyard a second time or pick up the grapes that have fallen. Leave them for the poor and the alien.'

'Any Israelite or any alien living in Israel who gives any of his children to Molech must be put to death.'**

'If anyone curses his God, he will be held responsible; anyone who blasphemes the name of the LORD must be put to death.'

'Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property.'

But all creatures in the seas or streams that do not have fins and scales-whether among all the swarming things or among all the other living creatures in the water-you are to detest. And since you are to detest them, you must not eat their meat and you must detest their carcasses. Anything living in the water that does not have fins and scales is to be detestable to you. ***


Paul's Letter to the Corinthians also contains a prohibition against homosexuality. Paul's prohibition is somewhat problematic for the group. Paul, who was no fool, only prohibits male homosexuality, leaving the ladies free to experiment.

The group, which believes law suits are caused by small demons that inhabit the spleen or pancreas of a Plaintiff, has an ambitious and detailed agenda. The groups first goal is to change the V. (for Versus) in legal captions, to + (a cross). For instance, ROE V. WADE would become ROE + WADE.


* A person who has reaped to the edges of a field but has repented or has inclinations to reap to the edges of a field but has not acted on those inclinations may become a member.

** Molech could not be reached for comment.

** * This is the famous prohibition against eating shell fish. However, some Biblical scholars believe the prohibition applied only to shell fish served in certain restaurants.





HOW TO USE BAD VERNACULAR

Bad Vernacular was designed for use by adults as well as school age children. Adults will enjoy the thoughtful analysis that is the hallmark of all Stockton & Tweed products. Simultaneously, Bad Vernacular sets forth ideas and issues perfect for discussion around the dinner table, school room or behind the dumpster in the faculty parking lot. The material is suitable for children ages 4 and up.

For instance, Bad Vernacular will examine such events as Time Magazine's naming President Bush, 'Man of the Year'. The Magazine's cover will provide a wonderful opening for discussion between you and your children. Does little Tommy think we're fucked? How about little Sally? By incorporating Bad Vernacular into your family life, your children's knowledge of the world and their vocabulary will increase. Teachers are also welcome to incorporate Bad Vernacular into their teaching cirriculum.






Bad Vernacular, like Gaul, is divided into three departments; our Main Page, Republican Family Values and Dispatches from Jesusland (the Departments are further subdivided into counties and villages). Other Departments may be added in the future.

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The Main Page will feature hard-hitting, serious investgative journalism covering the events important to you and your family. The Main Page will be updated approximately twice a week, depending upon our community service schedule and meetings with our parole officer.

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Republican Family Values

Republican Family Values (or RFV) will chronicle the hypocrisy of our friends on the Right. RFV will primarliy consist of articles and links detailing such things as Rush's drug habit, Bill O'Reilly's sexual harrassment of a co-worker...things of that sort. Commentary may be limited but feel free to use the posts as ammunition against the hypocritical Right. We will add to RFV periodically.

Dispatches from Jesusland

Dispatches from Jesusland (or DFJ) will chronicle the whacky world of those living behind the Red Curtain. Posts will include news items and occasional commentary. DFJ will be updated periodically.

Link Policy

Like Lickin' Bush in '04, Bad Vernacular will have a very discriminating link policy. A proposed link will be fully vetted by the Editors, including background and credit checks. Once we are satisfied and that blog has linked to Bad Vernacular, a round table discussion will be held, a vote taken and a decision issued. Once the written decision is filed and served, the proposed link will have thirty days in which to appeal an adverse decision.

Bad Vernacular will update as time allows and we expect BV, like a goiter or malignant tumor, to evolve over time.

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S&T

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